Girl Speak
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And I don't mean the age old "tampons over maxipads" debate that those feminine hygiene commercials would have you believe we get into every time men leave the room. There is only one thing we talk about while alone, and it's shoes.
I'm talking about Girl Speak, the secret language of females. There is an underlying and unspoken code to everything women say that you are expected to respond to correctly. Now I, as a woman, can use this to my advantage to bend wills and crush egos of smaller minded creatures, ie: you. Fortunately for all of you men, I've taken a vow to use my powers only for good.
A woman's favorite game is "Trap Your Boyfriend Saying Something Stupid" so you're going to have to watch everything that you say to her. Listen when she talks about her life. This will be hard for you if you were born with a Y chromosome, so I suggest carrying a miniature tape recorder on your first few dates, and noting everything down in a tiny little notebook which you can easily and secretly access as the situation dictates. By the end of six weeks you will be expected to know of her allergy to peanuts, her grandmother's maiden name and her favorite professional wrestler. Yes, there will be a quiz.
When a woman asks you how you are, she's really asking you to ask her how SHE is. She is her own favorite subject, so this is NOT an invitation for you to launch into your day. An appropriate answer to "How was your day, honey?" is "Just fine hotcakes, how was yours?" and stand back, because it's probably messy.
This rule of thumb can be spread to other questions too, such as "Tell me about when you were young". While the girl probably loved the story about you running around in your underwear pretending you were superman, she's waiting to tell you about the time her grandma found oatmeal in her shoe.
If you've ever had a girlfriend, you've probably heard the "does this make me look fat?" question. Do I even have to cover this? It doesn't matter what the truth is! She's not blind, she knows what she looks like. Even if she is blind, she can feel her own ass. She's not asking you what you really think, she's asking you to boost her ego a little and tell her she looks fantastic.
Girls are silly. They like to do crazy things like talk about their feelings. They don't say things like, "I REALLY like you" and then ask what's on television tonight. They want to know if you like them, what you like about them, and why you like them. They want specific details, not just "because you've got boobs". Make sure you emphasize how intellectual and amazingly bright she is. Throw in "and extremely sexy" almost as an afterthough.
Sooner or later your woman is going to ask you how you feel about getting married and having a family. An enlightened and aware man can sense when his woman is thinking about marriage. You cannot. That is why you are here.
She will start by sending subtle hints, asking you your two month salary and leaving issues of bridal magazines on your coffee table. You will soon discover that she has set adiamondisforever.com as the "home" page on your browser.
If you do not pick up on these things, and you will not, as you are only a man, she will resort to more drastic measures. The most obvious of these is the tuxedo fitting, but others include asking several times about china patterns, honeymoon locations and moving all of your stuff over to her (much better) apartment.
When you wake up and find that your favorite recliner, the one that doesn't actually recline and still smells like the dumpster you pulled it out of, has gone missing, it's too late. Like it or not, you're in for the long haul.
I know this all seems like a lot of work, but there are definate advantages. While men are obviously inferior creatures, women love them and the things they do. When you learn to follow our rules, maybe we will deem you ready to be our personal love slaves. That's all you really want anyway.
Andrea Spencer doesn't really hate all boys, just the ones she knows.