Mail Call!
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Friday is fun-filled content-less filler day here at uber.nu - where we attempt to generate one day's worth of content without doing any real work. In the future, you can expect fun things like poorly conceived top-ten lists written five minutes before deadline and photocopies of our asses scanned in for your enjoyment.
This week, however, it's fan mail day.
We get an excessive amount or reader feedback in the form of fan mail, but due to time constraints (read: our very, very, active, much more active than yours, sex lives) we have been unable to respond to it all individually. However, we are attempting to respond to just a small sampling here for everyone's benefit.
Ben Brown Smells Bad
to: ben@uber.nu
subject: re: How to be an internet rockstarBen, all you do is bitch, whine, and moans all about how weblogs are stupid because all these webloggers do is talk about talk about how great they are and how much they love each other. And then you go and start a site where you and your stupid little stupid fan boys talk about how much better and sexier you are than everyone else? What kind of an idiot are you?
And the first piece is "how to become an internet rockstar?" ben, you are the most egotistical, hypocritical asshole I have ever had the displeasure of reading. you are clearly a pathetic loser. you are not funny, or clever, and you are most certainly not an internet rockstar.
Adam responds:
Sorry, Ben couldn't be here today because he's out on hot a date with some fan who promised him sex, but I'd like to address you on his behalf.
First, regarding the type of idiot Ben Brown is, he is the big tubby bitch kind. I hope that clears up any confusion.
Second, I've met Ben Brown, and I would just like to assure you, Ben Brown is, without a doubt, the most egotistical, hypocritcal asshole I have ever met. Also, he smells bad.
However, he is most definitely an internet rockstar. What most people don't know is that he is an internet rockstar in the "old, fat, bloated Elvis" stage of his career.
Andy Pressman Has No Taste
to: andy@uber.nu
subject: re: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love HansonAndy, your confessional has inspired me. I have decided to admit to the world that not only do I love Hanson, but I like the Spice Girls. And Britney Spears. And Chrstina Aguilera. And Mandy Moore. And, yes, I even like the Backstreet Boys.
I feel much better. Thank you Andy, you're my hero.
Adam responds:
Andy couldn't be here today because he's currently on the road following Hanson's tour. However, if he were here, I think he would say something to the effect of "My god, you have no taste." Of course, this would be coming from a man who not only likes Hanson, but has a shrine in his room to Dominoe's pizza "The Noid" - complete with action figures, stuffed animals, posters, video games, and autographed glossies.
But since Andy is not here, let me say with absolute conviction and credibility that you have a complete lack of taste.
Except for the Spice Girls thing. They rule.
Who The Hell Are You?
to: anne@uber.nu
subject: Don't I Know You From Somewhere?I don't know what you're talking about! I wasn't friends with ritalin kids during college! I didn't even go to college! You obviously addressed your email to the wrong person.
Adam responds:
Anne couldn't be here to respond because she was too busy playing drunken Trivial Pursuit with some ritalin freaks. But yeah, sorry about that, since we've just launched we've had some issues with the email. The server should be fixed now, our apologies about the mixup.
A Declaration Of Love
to: andrea@uber.nu
subject: re: Girl SpeakDear Andrea, I am madly in love with you. I want to be your sex slave for all eternity. If that is not possible, then can you at least show some tit in the next article?
Adam responds:
Andrea couldn't be here to respond because, as all of the über.nu writers know, once your harem of loyal sex slaves gets beyond about 50, the management of it becomes quite time conusming. Also, they begin to start fighting with each other over you, so it's a good idea to stop accepting application for sex slaves at some point.
Also, as one of the few to escape from Andrea's harem, let me tell you - DON'T DO IT MAN! SHE'S EVIL!
I can't make any guarantees about Andrea's breasts, but stay tuned on Monday, when I guarantee I will show plenty of nipple.
Well, it was fascinating to get just a small glimpse into what all of you normal, boring, not as sexy as me, geeky, unfunny, pathetic readers were thinking about, and just for a little while, to interact with you all, virtually.
Actually, it wasn't. We're never doing this again. Next Friday is definitely photocopies of our asses day. Our asses have more intellectual value than your email. Also, our asses are sexy.
Adam Mathes has yet to write his first Über piece, but is already insulting the audience for no reason.