The Adam Mathes Guide to Complete College Misery
Part One -- The Early Years
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College, for everyone, is about two things: sex and cheap beer.
I am not everyone. College for me has been anything but sex and beer. It has been about one thing: being miserable. And the old cliché is write what you know, so today I'm going to share with you, my lovely little Über readers, how to be absolutely miserable in college. Since you lovely little Über readers are typical internet users, and have the attention spans of hyperactive two-year-olds after eating a whole box of Fruity Pebbles washed down with a Mountain Dew, I will attempt to explain the steps in easy to understand, concise little blurbs filled with bulleted lists, because I Love You. It hardly matters, because after skimming this article, you're just going to go and search for naked pictures of Lara Croft.
Because everyone knows that people don't read long pieces on the Internet, and that your attention spans have been rotted away by commercial television, this will be in two ADD-kid friendly parts.
This is Part One. Pre-college.
The Confused Early Years
You've got to start young. Learn to read and write very early, but make your slug brained best friend write your name for you in pre-kindergarten, so your teachers think you are an idiot. Get sent to special-ed even though you've been reading since you were under a year old. Laugh at the other "slow" kids, which will lead to getting beat up when they become the "monstrously large" kids. Be the last kid to get picked in gym class. Nothing is more traumatic ... or as ultimately rewarding!
Do not let the fact that you are scrawny weakling stop you from demonstrating that you are substantially smarter, funnier, wittier, and better looking than those a foot taller than you. Of course, they will easily beat you to within an inch of your death for it, but don't worry, it builds character, and the bruises and bloody noses will make the girls think you're sensitive.
Forge dysfunctional friendships. It's fun, and easy! Just follow these simple steps:
The Troubled Teen Years
After years upon years of pointless tests in boring classes taught by teachers who don't care (and in fact, probably got into teaching because they feel unfairly slighted by the premature end of the Inquisition), you will finally get to go to High School. For more of the same thing, except now you have to start worrying about college even more, by which we mean your sex life, by which we mean your intake of illicit older-brother beer.
To begin your demoralization process, ask lots of women out on dates. You'll get rejected by each and every one of them, but you have to keep telling yourself things will be completely different in college. They won't, but it's important to stay positive. Bonus points for developing awkward "platonic friendships" with any women you are in love with. Again, keep reminding yourself to never do this in college. You will, but it's important to stay positive.
Having ridiculously high expectations for college will make those long High School nights fly by. Sure, you were miserable in High School, and you hated everybody and everybody hated you, but college is going to be completely different. College is going to be great! Not like High School, oh no, there are going to be all these brilliant, beautiful, exciting people there! And there will be great classes! Classes you want to take! Intellectually stimulating classes! Most importantly, there will be lots and lots of wild, passionate sex with smart, beautiful women! Don't forget ito include the endless supply of cheap beer in your fantasy, because without beer, there is no sex! Keep running thoughts like these over and over again in your head as you fill out those little standardized test bubbles that will decide your "future." As you spend hours upon hours editing the High School newspaper that no one reads, keep telling yourself it will all be "worth it" when you're in college.
It won't, but its important to stay positive.
Get into college.
This is a lot easier than it sounds. With proper planning, the most braindead of idiots can get into college. Even without proper planning, even the most braindead of the braindead can get into a state school. And with enough money to hire tutors, pay for pointless SAT prep classes, and "personal college assistants" that make a career out of filling out college applications, even those barely literate rich white kids of the rich and famous can get into the college of their choice. Because after all, that's what America is all about: making sure the over-privileged white guys get theirs.
Important Note: If you are male and you wear a bikini to gym class to "break down gender barriers" because of some delusions that you are a punk and a rebel and a revolutionary thinker, far beyond the limits of your piddly position as a High School student, then you get sent to the dean for your "disgusting and inappropriate conduct" refrain from saying things like, "not only are you a sexist pig further condoning gender stereotypes, and an oppressive asshole, but how pathetic is it that a grown, married man is telling a 15-year-old to take off his bikini top because it's 'sick and inapprorpriate?' Are you really that desperate to see my nipples?" Also, do not use "I am very sensitive about my nipples and I didn't want to share them with the class" as an excuse for wearing the bikini top. Nobody will think it's funny, least of all your gym teacher, and inevitably, the whole thing will lead to some very awkward conversations with college admissions officers.
I speak on this subject not from personal experience, but of a more Universal Truth.
To get the full soul-crushing misery effect, and assuming you are not a child of the ultra-rich and famous, it is important to fake caring about High School enough to get into a "good school." Feel free to mock your teachers and administrators, but be sure to mock them slyly enough that they don't "get it." Occasionally stay awake in class, this will give you the edge over the rest of the class come test time. Depending on how smart you are, you may need to lay off the crack pipe a little around finals.
The End Of High School
April first will eventually come rolling in. You've finally been accepted into the college of your choice. Or some place you completely hate. Regardless, really. In a few short months, you won't care, or you'll be drunk too remember. The important thing is to remember that everything will be substantially better in college: no nagging parents, no oppressive administrators, no more pointless classes taught by idiots, and lots and lots of sex and beer. Just a few short months away!
Tune in next week when all your hopes and dreams are crushed as you finally start college, and realize things aren't any better than before! It's all going to get a lot worse before it gets any better. Unfortunately, it won't get any better. Not for you.
Adam Mathes is afraid of his own nipples.