IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Rapid City, North Dakota: Several "independent content websites" announced today that they would be forming a new content network, funded by several large investors. The popular websites, Suck and Feed will be joining forces to spend an estimated 4 million dollars to create one piece of snarky writing a day.
Close on the heels of this important announcement, Über, another independent content website, has announced that they are now seeking 4 million dollars of investment of their own. Though editor-in-chief Ben Brown was unavailable for comment, it is rumored that the money has been slated for more drugs and alcohol for the writing staff, which consists of four 20-somethings with nothing better to do.
"We're all about the cashing out, you know," said Adam Mathes, the 27 year old staff culture critic. "We were a bit upset that we weren't invited to become part of this 'media network' thing. I mean, the Suckters and the Feedsters and us, we've spent many a night joking about how we should pull this sort of heist. I never thought anybody could actually pull it off though."
"That fucking Anuff guy," said Andy Pressman, the site's creative director. "I came up with the whole 'We're in this for the sellout' thing, and now he and Johson have run off and done it. I want my fucking share, you hear me? I want my cut! And I've got to make the obvious joke here -- Suck & Feed? What, are they gonna call the new thing BLOWYOURSELF.com? That'll really tap into that 21-34 year old demo."
Über is seeking the 4 million after it's second failed IPO. Andrea Spencer, the token female staff member, denies allegations of the site's impending doom due to "those fucking greedy writers." "Everything is peachy," she said. "I mean, I can't make rent this month and I'm we're all whoring ourselves out for Brown, but everything is definetely coming up roses. Beautiful stinky fucking roses."
"Right now," said Mathes, "we're doing one piece of snarky writing a day for free. With 4 mill in 'internet funny money', I can personally guarantee at least two."
For information on investment opportunities, please contact the financial team.
That Ben Brown guy, geez.