8-bit Memories
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Editor's note - this piece is not appropriate for minors. Not that anything we ever publish is, but this one is especially inappropriate.
If there's one thing I care passionately about, it's the preservation of classic video game systems through emulation. In particular, the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Without getting too much into the technical details, a NES emulator will act as a virtual NMOS 6502 CPU, load a ROM image dumped from a NES cartridge into your system's RAM, then go into a loop where it loads the proper memory chunk, interprets the opcodes, runs it through the PPU to generate a digital... err, anyway, you can play nintendo games on your computer.
To leverage the current media barrage, the emulator is as legal as winamp, and downloading the actual games and playing them is about as legal as using Napster or downloading MP3's from an ftp site. Which is, to say, unless you own the actual cartridge you're downloading, it is a complete and utter violation of international copyright law and demonstrates a complete disregard for intellectual property rights. In fact, even if you do own the cartridge, it's probably illegal due to some obscure U.S. law.
Really, it's a shame, because emulation not only affords people the opportunity to play classic games on systems that have long since stopped working or being supported. It's not about piracy, it's about bringing back the smallest bit of a bygone era, when times were simpler, and 8-bits was good enough for everyone. Sometimes, when I'm playing Mega Man 3, and I'm listening to the theme to the Top-Man stage, it's just so beautiful it makes me want to cry.
In addition to replaying the games that I spent my youth with instead of developing social skills, emulation has also exposed me to games that I would never have had the opportunity to play. For instance, Super Mario Brothers 2 released in America was actually just a modified version of Doki Doki Panic because Nintendo thought Americans were too stupid to play the real Super Mario Brothers 2. And yes, after playing it for 30 seconds and dying because, unlike in Super Mario Brothers, there are evil mushrooms, I agree that the real Super Mario Brothers 2 is way too hard for a stupid American like me to play. But that's not the point.
Did you know that Blaster Master was originally called Chou Wakusei Senki - Metafight in Japan and had a completely different plot?
And my god, Chibi Maruko Chan Uki Uki Shopping? Best game ever made. But you will probably never be able to play it without infringing on someone else's copyright, even though the game is no longer being made or sold.
But I'm not not here to talk about the fundamental problems with copyright law.
I'm here to talk about NES porn.
Yes, that's right: pornographic Nintendo games. Extremely rare, if you were lucky you may have seen one of them in a shady video rental store.
Unfortunately, in 1990, I was 10, and I didn't start frequenting shady video rental stores until I was like 13. This was entirely too late.
So, as a service to you, the discerning uber.nu reader, I present you with Nintendo Power-style quick reviews of these rare gems. Impress your friends with your newfound knowledge at parties and other social gatherings. Nothing gets the conversation going like those two magic words, "nes porn!" Note that this list is far from being all-inclusive.
A brief overview of pornographic games for the Nintendo Entertainment System:
It's just like Tetris.
Except that between levels there are half-naked women with poorly translated dialogue.
Well, actually, the gameplay isn't just like Tetris, since the bubbles are floating up, and in Tetris, of course, the pieces are falling down.
But, really, it's not like Tetris at all because in Tetris, you know, you have to carefully align up the blocks so they form a coherent, horizontal line, and in Bubble Bath Babes you just have to get four of the same colored bubbles to touch so they pop.
So, in fact, the game is nothing like Tetris. It's actually just like Sega's Columns, but, I'm sure you're too distracted by the 8-bit titties to listen anymore.
Hot Slot
Ever used a slot machine?
It's just like that, except without the smoke-filled Casino and free liquor.
Which is to say, it's mind-numbingly boring.
Also, naked women and bad dialogue.
More of the same, except this time, it's poker.
The Naked Little Mermaid
This isn't an actual game. You can't actually go out and buy The Naked Little Mermaid.
The Little Mermaid was an actual game. This is a hacked version. Somebody, a hardcore r0m h4x04 d00d most likely, modified the graphics in the game. There are a bunch of "nude" rom hacks, but most of them are pretty stupid.
Well, ok, this is really stupid too, but I had to mention it because it's NES porn, and disney porn, and I think Ariel may be a bit young to be posing nude. Which may make it the most disturbing Nintendo game ever.
Adam Mathes is completely wasting his time off.