McSweeney's is taking too long to send me my rejection letter
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Today, we have a very special piece here at Über. Some mysterious person out in lala land has enacted our little known submission policy which states that we will publish anything that has been previously rejected by McSweeney's, a very very good magazine of high literary value. The policy states that the author must include the rejection letter, penned by a member of the McSweeney's staff.
However, this wily author remembered that we included a clause which stated that, in the event that the piece was not rejected in a timely fashion, the author himself (or herself) could write a rejection letter and forward it to us.
Our special writer, Mr. (or Mrs.) LoCkeRx12@aol.com, is a very tricky writer.
Without further ado, following is the falsified rejection letter process:
mcsweeney's:
dear miss,
after reading your article on "cloning and it's other uses", we have decided to publish you in our next issue.
author reply:
dear mcsweeney,
oh no, it's ok. i just wanted you to send me a letter of rejection so i could get published at uber.nu. thanks anyway.
mcsweeney's:
dear miss,
oh but we insist. we'll pay you $100 for every word in that article. we will also send you a year's worth of Ben & Jerry's phish food to put in that fridge of yours in your new JAGUAR CONVERTIBLE.
author reply:
dear 40 year old man,
STOP HITTING ON ME. i'll put you in jail.
And now, the actual piece, unedited and unread by the editorial staff here at Über...
cloning and it's other uses
Are you young and look like this hugo boss man? If you answered yes, then you must be having lots of unfmoanYAHbaby!. What about in 50 years? We all can't be hugh hefners and unfmoanYAHbaby! playmates because 1) you'll never live in the playboy mansion and 2) very sexy women don't want elderly men with prune dicks unless they have $80 million in their briefs.
What will you do? It's simple. Right now you're probably in the age group 17-25 which means you still have time to prepare for your shriveled up dick stage. You like cindy crawford? I like pierce brosnan. You can clone cindy crawford for $79,999 at Dreamtech International.
Where's the sex? Ok, Cindy clone comes in a petri dish but will grow into a wonderful tamagot! chi pet if you follow these guidelines:
1) Trust no one..not your family and especially your internet friends. No one must find out about your Cindy clone. This means you won't be registering her for a United States social security number.
2) DO NOT EXPOSE HER TO SUNLIGHT OR TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD. This is crucial. You will see why in the next paragraph. 3) Be a good father.
18 years have passed; she is legal. Since she's never been outside and you are the only male, actually...you are the only person, she's ever known, and nobody knows Cindy clone exists besides you, not even our government...YOU SICK PERVERT, this is where all that work will pay off. Turn her into a slut. Make her your sex slave. Do what you will. She better be a good fuck for $79,999 and 18 years of rejection from supermodels. Congratulations on your many more happy years of limp dick fucking to come.
LoCkeRx12@aol.com has a silly AOL.com email address.