Art Fags: A One Act : Act Four
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The stage is dark and empty, but for BEN, sitting alone on a stool in the center of the stage, illuminated by a single spotlight. BEN is holding the phone whose line winds around the stool and ends in a frayed mess a few feet away.
DAKOTA (in voiceover): Hi, what's up?
BEN: Dakota? Are you there? Dakota, my love? Have you really abandoned me?
Oh, just six short days ago, I was sure that we would be together forever. Six days ago, I thought that things were finally looking up for me, and that fate had delivered you into my arms! But lo, some moistened teenage samoflange comes waltzing in and steals you away, drugs you, beats you, and forces you into a premature wedding in Vegas! You are not Elvis! You should not be married by Elvis!
Oh Dakota!
Do not speak, darling Dakota, or DD as I have come to refer to you amongst our friends. Hey, DD is getting married, I say. Hey, DD is in Vegas! Hey, DD has stolen my heart and tromped all over it!
I am calling only in the hope that it is not too late, and that you have not promised yourself to the oh-so-seasonal young lady I foolishly encouraged you to seduce. She is truly the Autumn of my discontent!
The real reason I am calling is, I wrote you a song, and I want to sing it to you.
BEN clears his throat and goes through several simple warmup exercises.
BEN (speaking in a French accent): Bonjour, mon ami. Je suis un homme francais.
BEN (singing):
Je veux remover ton pantalons!
Je veux manger ta petite pied!
Je suis un homme francais!
Sex you up!
Sex you up!
Il n'y a pas un douche!
J'ai un grand odeur!
Mais, ne me resiste pas!
Je suis un homme francais!
Sex you up!
Sex you up!
Je fume une cigarette
Je bois une bierre
Je suis un homme francais,
et maintenent, ma petite chouchou,
je veux SEX YOU UP!
Sex you up!
Sex you up!
BEN: BOOYAH!
DAKOTA (in voiceover): Ahahaha, hey, I'm not really here. Leave a message at the beep!
Curtain falls.
Chez Phillips has the inside line.
Chez Phillips has the inside line.