I'm Going To Be A Good Husband
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Sorry to break the hearts of so many ladies (and gentlemen), but last week I got married. I met a girl at an art show and less than a week later, we were in Las Vegas, NV getting married.
But, there's no need to worry. I'm going to be a good husband.
There are certain things that a good husband must be able to do without fear like fixing cars, killing spiders, and mowing the lawn. Fortunately, as a high-paid Über writer, I can afford to buy a new car when I need a oil change, have a laser-equipped robots to kill the spiders, and when you have a penthouse loft in downtown Austin, there is no lawn to mow.
But let's look at the other reasons I'm going to be a good husband.
First of all, I can cook. I know that it takes one pound of ground beef to make Hamburger Helper. I know that it takes some milk or some butter or something greasy and from a cow for Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. And here's my little cooking secret -- they make tubes filled with cookie dough that you just have to cut and put in the oven.
Second, I'm very clean. I know that if you spill something dry in the carpet, like, uh, cigarette ashes, you can rub it for a while and it goes away. If you spill something wet, you can look at the ingredients on the back and see if it says water. If it does, you are probably getting the carpet cleaner than it was, and should spill more. If not, oh well! The maid will take care of it.
There are many other nuggets of wisdom I could share, but if I give away all my secrets, then everyone would be married, and I couldn't gloat. I'll leave the fellas in the audience with a few more tips for getting a really hottt wife.
Have a huge ego! This is completely necessary. Not just confidence. EGO. The kind of ego that allows you to make tee shirts touting your greatness.
Don't be a loser. That's kinda self-explanatory.
Be really cool. Again, self-explanatory.
Be attractive, and well hung. They may say it doesn't matter, but if hottt chixxx are telling you this, watch your wallet.
Dakota Smith has a wife. No, really