Filler Friday: Voting Guide
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Über.nu is, as we all know, a cutting edge publication for the youth of the world, but in particular, the youth of the fine, fine United States of America.
We are a cutting edge publication for the forward thinking youth of America because, unlike most supposed cutting edge youth-directed publications produced by aging, balding, middle aged men after thoughtful market research, we at über actually are part of the cutting edge American youth culture.
And, yes, like most members of the cutting-edge American youth culture, we are "politically clueless" and "apathetic" and "not even registered to vote."
Today, however, after months of careful research, we present this voting guide as our attempt to inform and motivate the politically inactive young readers of our magazine.
As an apolitical, independent webzine with no political ties, we can give you, the politically apathetic and inactive reader, an unbiased view of the candidates, and help you to make an informed choice.
über.nu Voting Guide 2000
Al Gore, Democratic Nominee - robot, married to and makes out with at inappropriate times that really annoying Tipper chick who tried to ban all those horrendous records in the 80's pushing up the sales higher than anyone thought conceivable. Also, he's our vice president.
George W. Bush, Republican Nominee - former cokehead, but you know what they say, once a snorter, always a snorter, son of former President George Bush, who contrary to similar appearances and popular opinion are not the same person, really. His daddy "helped with some deals" so he could "buy" a baseball team or something. Currently governor of Texas, a state where they only let politicians into the capitol building like once a decade.
Ralph Nader, Green Party Nominee - political activist, all those annoying air bags and seat belts and stuff are his fault. He used to be on that tv show, consumer reports, or something. Made millions off of seemingly hypocritcal investments in monopoly-like companies like Cisco, but still lives like a monk.
Pat Buchanan, Reform Party Nominee - remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch, where Dana Carvey was playing McLaughlin, and Phil Hartman was playing Pat Buchanan, and McLaughlin asked a question, then said "Pat Bu-can-not-possibly-win." Yeah, that was pretty funny. Pat is really funny to listen to, but only because he-can-not-possibly-win.
John Hagelin, Other Reform Party Nominee - the reform party has two nominees, nobody really knows why, or really cares. He knows a lot about physics. People who know a lot about physics are scary.
Remember though, if you register to vote, they can call you in for jury duty.
Adam Mathes has a latin quiz today.