Reasons Oranges Are The Best Fruit
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by Will Pate | originally published on 2001-01-24

1. They never bitch or nag, but they have been known to whine.
2. Every year all the oranges are given a sneak peak at the winners of the Nobel prizes, Grammys, Golden Globe and TV Guide awards. Of course, the Academy awards are run by friends of the apple mafia.
3. They are like a little present. You unwrap them and eat the treat inside.
4. Spheres are cool.
5. If you find youself stuck in a snowstorm you can cut it open and curl up inside it for warmth, like Mark Hamill in the Empire Strikes Back.
6. They keep you regular.
7. They make a satisfying *squish* sound against the side of your bosses head from 10-15 feet.
8. People in Japan pay a lot of money for them.
9. You can hide drugs in them. Border guards never suspect the guy with an orange.
10. Vitamin c prevents colds.
11. An orange will never turn its back on you. It doesn't have one.
12. The bright orange color makes simple people happy.
13. If you find yourself with one while bored at work, you can set up some of those little paper cuppies from the water cooler and start bowling.
14. Oranges never have to worry about priapism.
15. That weird taste you get in your mouth after you brush your teeth and eat an orange: that's the orange juice attacking the commie flouride.
16. They prevent cancer, so say orange grower commercials.
17. Every person you have ever looked up to or admired, every one of your heroes has at one time in their life eaten an orange.
18. The peelings provide an cheap alternative to leather body armour for light skirmishes.
19. Nothing bad ever comes out of comes out of Florida.
20. Worms don't take bites out of them.
21. I'm sure they are mentioned somewhere in the Bible. You on the other hand, are not.

Will Pate feels inferior to what he eats.