LOCAL MAN DIES OF EVERYTHING HIS MOTHER EVER WORRIED ABOUT
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AP, Burlington, Vermont:
A local man was found dead early this morning in his car near Exit 14W on the Burlington section of I-89N. His vehicle was completely destroyed after it crashed into a bridge support on the busy highway.
"It's a very strange set of circumstances," local State Trooper Dale Evans commented, "It seems to have started with a situation at the victim's residence, which was followed by a very unfortunate chain of events."
Apparently, the victim was playing with a box of matches at his residence in Williston late last night, when he accidentally burned himself and reacted suddenly by flailing his arms, causing a nylon windbreaker to fall from a couch onto a heating element. While the victim was soaking his finger in a mudbath and drinking several bottles of beer, the windbreaker became intensely hot, melting itself and starting the carpet on fire.
The fire spread quickly through the shoddy carpet. The apartment was equipped with smoke detectors, but the batteries had not been replaced since they were installed, and subsequently did not work.
For this reason, the victim did not notice the fire until it had charred most of his right leg. He then became alarmed and spilled his beer onto an electric outlet into which was plugged a free-standing halogen lamp. The liquid caused several sparks to erupt from the top of the lamp. These sparks then ignited the highly combustible tapestry cloth that was hanging directly above it, furthering the already blazing fire. Electrical shortages also spread throughout the victim's apartment at a rapid pace, since the dwelling had not been re-wired or safety-inspected since 1956.
According to local fire authorities, the apartment burned to the ground before they even arrived. Several pets perished in the flames.
It didn't end there, however. The victim, his right leg scorched and smoking, lurched out of his apartment just in time and headed for his vehicle, intending to find help. He neglected to look both ways before crossing the street, however, and was not wearing proper reflective equipment for being on the street at night. He was hit at least twice by passing cars.
Somehow, those collisions didn't kill him, though they occurred at speeds upwards of fifty miles per hour. James Corrigan was one of the drivers who struck the victim. "I couldn't believe what I had seen," he said, "I thought I had just killed somebody, but the next thing I knew, he's up on one foot and hobbling away. Boy, was I relieved."
After finally reaching his car, the victim pulled himself in and proceeded to Drive While Under the Influence of Alcohol and a Burning Leg (DUIBL). His progress was extremely fast, according to witnesses, far in excession of the speed limit. Coroners said that at this point, the mudbath in which the victim had been soaking his burned finger caused a sudden infection to flare up. The victim was therefore unable to drive with both hands, causing his control of his vehicle to become even more erratic.
They also estimate that the sexually transmitted diseases he had received from several bouts of unprotected sex caused his left leg to go numb shortly thereafter. At that point, the victim's vehicle was cruising in second gear at approximately 70 miles per hour. Since the victim had lost control of his clutch leg, he was unable to shift, causing the engine in the car to blow out at around 120 miles per hour.
The car then began to coast in deceleration, but was soon struck by another vehicle. Asked if the alcohol was a factor, trooper Evans said, "The driver was under the influence, but in fact the reason his car was totaled wasn't his fault. It was the other guy." According to authorities, the blood-alcohol level of the driver of the car that struck the victim was 9.8. "That's far above the legal limit in Vermont," Evans said. The collision caused the victim's car to careen into the bridge support, where it erupted into flames almost instantly.
Surprisingly, the ultimate cause of death was not the impact by the other car, nor the collision with the bridge, nor the explosion. It was, in fact, determined to be a rapid onslaught of a rare variance of Mad Cow Disease which seized the victim's brain shortly before the collision and killed him instantly. The victim's family confirmed that he had been in Germany two years ago and had ingested large amounts of sausage and unidentifiable meat products.
"It's just tragic when these things happen," Evans said, "The best we can do is keep reminding people that they shouldn't do anything at all, ever, if they can help it. The best thing for people to do is to remain in bed, but without pillows or sheets, which can cause suffocation. A bare mattress is best, with sufficient back support," he added, noting additionally that "it should be rotated and flipped every three months. But get some help when you're lifting it, for Pete's sakes!"
Memorial services will be held this Sunday at 3 PM.
Stephen J. Maas will be running a marathon wearing an Uber tee-shirt