The Eliminator
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I was at the bar with Mike, drinking pitcher after delicious $4 pitcher of Pabst Blue Ribbon and pretending I didn't have a thesis to finish, much as I have done every night of this, my last semester of college. I began my nightly Mike taunting, making fun of his dumb clicky-heeled Beatles boots. Like a sullen 13 year old girl, he responded by rolling his eyes and flipping me off. I laughed derisively. "Ohhh noooooo! Not THE FINGER! Oh that HURTS." I said, mimicking his bitchassedness with a high pitched voice
"Fuck you," Mike countered defensively. "It's the most offensive hand gesture in the world."
I immediately disagreed. Flipping "the bird" has been played out since John Bender asked the other members of the Breakfast Club if they could hear this or if they needed him to turn it up.
"Okay, Alissa. Tell me. What is The Most Offensive Hand Gesture In The World?" Mike challenged cockily.
I don't really know where it came from, or how I thought of it so quickly, but I immediately, almost innately knew The Most Offensive Hand Gesture In The World. I had invented it even before Mike had finished asking me what it was. I was born to invent it.
At that moment, history was made as I demonstrated to Mike the Big Poppa of Offensive Hand Gestures. His jaw dropped. He was amazed. He whispered "What IS that?" I immediately knew what to call it. It needed a name commensurate with its awesome powers. An unforgettable, iron-clad name that was not to be fucked with.
"It's called The Eliminator." I said coolly. I had completely Eliminated Mike. It is impossible to question the authority of this, the hard-assed drill sergeant nazi of hand gestures. All he could do was beg me to teach him how to do it. I taught him. And now I will teach you.
Lesson 1
There are three distinct and familiar hand gestures encompassed within The Eliminator.
- Traditional middle finger
- Thumbs down
- That one where your first finger on one hand "fucks" a hole made by your thumb and first finger on your other hand. Remember that one? It's weak when used alone but vital to our finished product.
So now we have our cast of characters. Three marginally offensive hand gestures that have all lost their edge in the last, oh, 900 billion years of use. Welcome to the Offensive Hand Gesture of the Future.
Lesson 2: The Eliminator
Just follow these simple steps and you'll be Eliminating annoying hangers-on in no time.
- Hold up your right hand and give the traditional middle finger
- Okay, keep holding your hand up giving the finger, ON THE SAME HAND take your thumb and first finger and make a hole.
- Lift up your left hand and do a thumbs down. (Still keep your other hand up how it was.)
- Take your thumbs down hand. Sustain the thumbs down but extend your middle finger. It should be pointing at your other hand that is giving the finger and has the hole.
- Showtime! Take your thumbs down hand with extended middle finger and use that sideways middle finger to purposefully fuck the hole you made with the original hand. Thumbs down middle finger middle finger fuck. In the language of hand gestures, it does not get more offensive than that. It seems a little involved at first, but once you do it twice you will own it. Unless you are stupid, in which case you don't deserve it and should stick to the single-barreled thumbs down that you learned from the monkeys who raised you.
Keep this in mind:
-This isn't a static hand gesture like giving the finger or thumbs down. Much like the finger-on-one-hand-fucks the-other-hand's-hole, the finger intercourse is crucial to the overall Eliminating gesture. Don't worry that the fucking will be hidden behind your hand. They will see enough of your simulated finger copulation to get it: Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you. And also, Boooo. You suck. (Thumbs down.)
-Don't feel like you are giving yourself the finger when you look down at your thumbs down hand. I know that the back of your hand is usually not facing your body when you are giving the finger but try doing the Thumbs down a different way so that your hand is in better middle finger position. Yeah, I know, it doesn't work. Besides, the middle finger is really acting in a new capacity here and the old rules don't apply. The dominant left hand component is the thumbs down. Booooooooo, says a downward-pointing thumb in its classic, understated way. The Eliminator gives the genteel, old fashioned thumbs down rabies and sharp teeth.
Reactions to The Eliminator are wide ranging. People have gotten really mad before, which is always a bonus. Most people immediately want to learn how to Eliminate too. No one EVER can do it after one demonstration. I'm usually drunk and around drunk people and they tend to laugh really hard when I first Eliminate them, but after about 15 seconds when they catch my steely, hateful, potentially violent glare and notice I'm not laughing they stop abruptly and uncomfortably, which I love. And then in the aftermath, you can have this conversation with them, which I have had like eighteen times but never stops being funny to me.
The Eliminated: Dude. (nervous laughter) What WAS that?
The Eliminator: What was what? (calmly drinks beer)
The Eliminated: That thing you just did with your hands.
The Eliminator: Oh. That was The Eliminator. The Most Offensive Hand Gesture In The World.
(At this point, The Eliminated will start laughing. A really grating, conspiratorial, 'we have an inside joke now.' laugh. The kind that tends to accompany a nudging elbow to the ribs. Assure him/her silently with your body language that you are not now, nor ever will be his/her friend.)
The Eliminated: That fuckin RULES dude! That's hilarious! The Eliminator? Where did you learn that?
The Eliminator: (never ever ever laughs. Continues to glare condescendingly) Um, actually, it isn't that funny. It's the most offensive hand gesture in the world.
Alissa Rowinsky is giving us all a big eliminator right now