They Keep Calling Me
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You wouldn't think wrong numbers could be so vexing, but really, you'd be wrong.
Hi, I'm Laura Roberts and I have a problem with chronic misdialers. I'd join a support group, but hearing about other people's problems with people who can't figure out the goddamn number system is just too obnoxious. And honestly, who are these idiots who can't make even more feeble-minded assholes stop calling them? Frankly, I think I can deal with it on my own.
The plan was like this: I'd put on the most obnoxious voicemail message ever, and when they heard it they'd instantly hang up. Instead of getting messages with zero content (which also piss me off), the moron calling my number erroneously would simply hang up, no harm done. One or two calls to my number would scare them off completely.
I started off small. Logic is, apparently, out of most people's grasp, but let's give this a shot, shall we? "You dial a number and get an unfamiliar voice on the phone. Do you a) hang up, b) ask the person -- in a language different than the one they used to greet you -- for someone they obviously are not, or c) ask if the person on the other end speaks your language? Leave the correct answer after the tone and I'll consider calling you back." No dice. I got messages asking if Juanita Ramirez was coming to her doctor's appointment. HELLO?
Then I tried what seemed to me to be a surefire approach. I would state my name several times in a loud, overly-enunciated way. Hopefully they would get the message that LAURA ROBERTS lived at this address, not Juanita Ramirez or whoever the hell else they were trying to call. Simple enough, right? I say my name 30 times, and this is the message some dimwit leaves me: "Paul, this is your daddy. I'm just calling to say happy birthday. Call me back. Byebye."
I swear there's no intelligent life. At my wit's end, I left the rudest message I could think of. "FUCK OFF!" I yelled into the receiver. There was a message entirely in Spanish after that one. Apparently "fuck off" doesn't translate well, and my angry tone of voice wasn't enough of a hint.
So what's the message on my voicemail now that I've given up and resigned myself to the fact that people are, and always will be, goddamn morons no matter how much you tell them so? It simply states, "If I didn't have to check my email, you wouldn't even be able to call this number. Leave a message or don't; I won't listen to it anyway because the sheer idiocy of whatever you said would probably kill me."
I'm a bitter woman. Stop fucking calling me.
Hi, this is a message for Laura Roberts. Are you there? Hello?
Hi, this is a message for Laura Roberts. Are you there? Hello?