How to Read Uber at Work
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by David Rea | originally published on 2001-07-31

The office where I work is almost always quiet. The company is too cheap to buy cubicles for us, so we're deprived of the opportunity to develop a false sense of privacy and unwittingly embarass ourselves by singing while wearing headphones or discussing our itchy rashes on the phone without speaking quietly. I shouldn't complain though - it's fun to look around and watch the other folks get pissed off at their computers.

The dilemna becomes apparent, though, when you realize that any noise you make is amplified tenfold by the giant room you're in, and every sound is funneled into the managers' offices where they're undoubtedly sitting and listening to you doing things that are decidedly not work. Now realize this while you're trying to choke back explosive laughter and you've got yourself a problem. So how do you read Uber in a place like this?

1) Stay away from the corners. They'll amplify the sounds you make like a megaphone, and chances are you won't see a manager approaching until it's too late.

2) Bring something to drink. You'll probably be able to keep from laughing if you know doing so will spray the bald head of the person in front of you with Mello Yello. And if you do coat them with a fine mist of non-diet carbonated beverage, they'll probably have enough of a fit to buy you time to close the browser window.

3) Bite your lip. Not only will the pain keep you from laughing out loud, you can also drool blood on your manager's desk and they'll be more inclined to give you time off.

4) Buy a recloseable package of limburger cheese. After disposing of its contents, refill it with styrofoam packing peanuts and keep it in your desk. Wait, no, that's a fart countermeasure.

5) Convince your manager that abandoning air conditioning and installing a whole bunch of small oscillating fans will save the company money. Don't mention that the noise will also mask your laughter.

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