Filler Friday: Arch Enemies
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Über is missing something, and it wasn't until today that I realized what it was.
As the dog-days of summer settle in, and Über becomes even lamer than it already is, and the last vestiges of the original staff fall away, there is only one way to save it and prevent it from turning into complete and utter crap. We need an arch-enemy.
Über needs a Venom to our Spider-Man, a Prince Thrakhath to out Colonel Blair, a Leno to our Letterman, a LeChuck to out Guybrush Threepwood, a John Quincy Adams to our Andrew Jackson, a Mojo Jojo to our Powerpuff Girls.
An arch-enemy will give us focus, something to galvanize behind, and a new running gag.
The question, of course, arises as to who or what our arch-enemy should be.
My first instinct was to choose some much-higher-profile webzine and unilaterally declare war on them. Sure there was that whole "thing" with McSweeney's, but I don't really count that since nobody on the staff ever read or cared about McSweeney's except Ben. I never had any problem with McSweeney's. Ok, so there was that one time, but it was an independent act of aggression, not endorsed by Über and directed very, very personally at Eggers, not his webzine.
We don't need a personal arch-enemy, we need a zine arch-enemy, with a staff full of pretentious idiots, preferably who write a lot of articles on opera. Too bad Ironminds is dead, we really need people who will retaliate in full force. Retaliate and be willing to go on the Family Feud with us.
Wouldn't that be great? Webzine vs Webzine, Louis Anderson, and a battle of who is more in touch with a random sampling of the American public?
Wait, even better, we should totally go on Double Dare against each other.
That would be so great. Just imagine Dakota Smith and Andy Pressman on Double Dare. It might go a little something like this:
MARC SUMMERS: "Hello everyone and welcome to a very special episode of Double Dare. Today we have two teams..."
DAKOTA SMITH: "We'll take the physical challenge!"
MARC SUMMERS: "I'm sorry, Dakota, but I haven't asked the question yet. Remember, first I ask a question, then a team can buzz in, and they can either answer or dare the other team the answer. The other team must then answer or double dare them back. That team must then answer or they can take our physical challenge. And besides, I haven't finished introducing the teams yet. "
DAKOTA SMITH: "We'll take the physical challenge!"
ANDY PRESSMAN: "You're stoned out of your mind, aren't you?"
DAKOTA SMITH: "All right! Whoo hoo! Physical challenge! Yeah!"
Then they would drop green slime on Pressman for no reason.
They do still have Double Dare on Nickelodeon, right? They probably shut that down like a decade ago, didn't they? Bastards.
Oh, never mind then, it's not worth it.
Adam Mathes is his own arch enemy