What Would Jesus Do?
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"Jesus! We're running out of WWJD bracelets and I love Jesus bumper stickers! What should we do?!" Asked Billy. Billy scrambled through a door with a wooden clipboard in his hand. He takes care of all public-relations related issues, corporate problems, and other extraneous affairs.
"Goddamn it, Billy! Can't you see that I'm busy right now?" Replied Jesus.
"No you're not. You're playing Sim City on Playstation 2! That's not even a real game for Playstation 2!" Exclaimed Billy.
Jesus pressed pause and looked at Billy with a stare that could inspire another Great Awakening.
"I am Jesus! I can do anything! Twice as good as you and in half the time! Now, another word out of you and you'll get to spend your everlasting and eternal after-life pulling porcupines out of your ass while doing cartwheels over hot coals...and something a lot worse if I really thought about it.. If you'll excuse me." Jesus unpaused his game and went back to what he was doing earlier.
Billy thought for a second, then began to say something, "But Jesus--"
"Yes, yes, I know that Bible sales are down thirty percent from 1396. You aren't taking into account the growth in population since then. We're still selling millions more than what we projected In the Beginning." Said Jesus.
"Funny. No really, I think Old Testament humor is great. I understand about the booming population, sir. It's just that, Christ, the people are losing faith..." Billy sadly proclaimed. He sat down in an exhale.
"You're forgetting the percentage of income that we still take in from the Sunni's and what not since the Muslims took my idea in the first place. And we also get ten percent from those 'Jews for Jesus' which was just an experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong. That's not even including all the movie deals I've been offered.
"Okay, but you're still forgetting of our shortage in merchandise. Our buyers are beginning to get agitated." Billy pleaded to Jesus. "Please Jesus, we need a miracle here!"
"Oh Jeez. All anybody ever wants from me anymore is a goddamned miracle. I mean it's always, 'Hey Jesus! I need this, and I need that.' Nobody ever goes, 'Hey Jesus, how was your day today? Are there any miracles that I could perform for you?' Seriously, all I ever do anymore is make goddamn miracles happen. You know what I should do? I should go and get all the guys back together, you know, out of retirement. Then we could go and write a sequel to the book."
"You know that sequels never do as well as the original." Billy reasoned.
"I know, I know." Sighed Jesus. "Well. Listen, it was fun talking, but I've got to jet. There's this little get together that I'm supposed to be attending."
"Who else is going?" Wondered Billy.
"Oh, well, mom's throwing the party so just some of the usual are coming. Mother Teresa and a few of her friends, some saints, Muhammad, Moses, and Abraham might show for a bit. A few oldies may stop by, too, you know the party poopers: Zeus, Hera, Apollo, Loki, and a couple Pharaohs. The only ones that I really even like anymore is Hermies and Thor. Man, Thor is the funniest guy I know when he's smashed. You should see the shit he does hammered."
"Wait! What should I do about the bumper stickers and bracelets?" Billy asked.
"Uh, good question, I'm sure you'll figure something out. Good luck, see you later."
"Okay, okay. Err...just keep looking into the inventory and it shall always be restocked." So said Jesus.
"Oh, that's original." Billy scoffed.
"Gimmie a break, will you? Really good miracles aren't exactly easy to think of."
"True. And at least you're staying traditional." Billy thought.
"Peace out, hommie."
"Okay, you have a good time, and tell your dad I said hi. And remember, 'friends don't let friends do religious stuff drunk'...or something like that."
But by the time Billy had finished talking, Jesus had already vanished in a poof of smoke. He had to choose a nice toga for the party later on that night.
Anthony Luckino loves Jesus