The Brocolli Variations
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
Lights up on a supermarket. Two people, Greta and Dan, are standing in the produce aisle. Dan is between 25 and 30; Greta is about 20 and very attractive. There is a stalk of broccoli on the floor.
Dan: (daintily) Excuse me, miss, but did you drop your broccoli?
He picks up the broccoli and holds it gingerly, not wanting to come into contact with anything that has been on the floor.
Greta: Whoops. (sneezes all over Dan) Thanks.
She wipes her nose with her hand and grabs the broccoli from a horrified Dan. He pulls out hand sanatizer and a hazardous materials mask.
Bell.
Greta drops the broccoli on the floor. Dan removes his haz-mat suit. He looks between Greta and the broccoli, trying to decide if he should say something. This goes on for several minutes.
Dan: (very softly) Excuse me? Miss?
Greta jumps, startled.
Dan: Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.
Greta: Oh, no. It was my fault.
Dan: Right. Well, ah, I was just wondering...
Greta: Yes?
Dan: ...Ah, I was wondering if, ah, if you’d, ah...
Greta: Yes?
Dan: If you’d--this is so silly--
Greta: What?
Dan: If you’d dropped your broccoli.
Bell.
Dan is eyeing the broccoli on the floor hungrily. Finally, he gets Greta’s attention by grabbing her sleeve.
Dan: Miss? Is that your broccoli?
Greta: No.
Dan pounces on the broccoli, all teeth and claws.
Bell.
Dan gets up. He looks between Greta and the broccoli, obviously sizing up his chances.
Dan: (seductively) Excuse me, miss? Did you drop your broccoli?
Greta stares at him a second before starting to hit him with her purse.
Bell.
Dan: (as neutrally as humanly possible) Excuse me, miss, but did you drop your broccoli?
Greta: How dare you! You misogynist pig! How dare you assume that because I am young and female, that I must be buying groceries!
Dan: I’m sorry, miss, I didn’t mean--
Greta: "Miss!" HA! I’m a "Ms," thank you! I don’t need a man to make my life complete! I am a liberated woman! You are harrassing me!
Dan: I didn’t mean to--
Greta: HA! You men are all the same!
Bell.
Dan: Excuse me, miss, but did you drop your broccoli?
Greta: I’m a man.
Bell.
Dan picks up the broccoli from the floor and begins bludgeoning Greta with it.
Dan: There are starving children in Africa, I’ll have you know! And you keep dropping broccoli like the bourgeoisie pig you are! I spit on you!
Bell.
Dan: Excuse me, miss, but did you drop your broccoli?
Greta: Yeah.
Dan: Oh.
They rip each other’s clothes off and proceed to boink like rabid weasels.
Curtain.
Liz Lopatto saves the day