Tis The Season
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SCENE ONE:
Lights up on Santa's workshop. A number of ELVES are slaving over machinery. Except there aren't the stereotypical elves. Certainly, their skin has a greenish tinge, their ears are slightly pointed and they're a bit on the short side, but otherwise, they're normal human beings.
At the center of the stage are two elves: LEON and JOE. LEON begins talking as the lights come up. He is an excellent orator-theoretically, he could sell refrigerators to the Eskimos (he would not, of course, because that would be taking unfair advantage of the proletariat).
LEON: ...And it's work, work, work all the time, with no sick leave, no vacation, no maternity leave and no pay! Why? Because the Claus says so! And what happens to us if we disobey? We're beaten! And to add insult to injury, we get trotted out every Christmas special in makeup and pointy shoes and if we aren't merry enough, we're shot!
JOE: (somewhat worried) Leon, I wouldn't talk so loudly if I were you.
LEON: Because he has spies everywhere, I know. It's all part of his plot to divide the proletariat so that we are weak. And while the proletariat is weak, that bougois [he oinks] sits on his fat ass and gets fatter. And who gets credit for Christmas? Not the workers! The CLAUS! Who does no work, but is known as a synonym for Christmas. And none of us workers dare say anything for fear of castigation!
JOE: Look, Leon, I know you're right, and you know you're right, but how on earth do you plan to change anything?
LEON: It's quite simple. We, the proletariat, must unite and cast out the bougois [he oinks]. We must create a new system!
SCENE TWO:
Lights up on a large crowd of ELVES. They are standing, listening to LEON speak. Whenever he comes to the end of a sentence, they cheer loudly. LEON is speaking as the lights come up.
LEON: ...Our business is the most well-known in the world! But who does all the work? That bougois [he oinks]?
CROWD: NO!
LEON: We, the proletariat, have created the greatest enterprise known to man! But who gets the credit? [pause] THE CLAUS! He sits about, eating cookies and beating elves, and we let him get away with it. But, my friends, we are many, and he is few. We must band together! We must show our strength! We will be oppressed no longer! The glorious revolution of the proletariat must begin! We will no longer be bound to worship the false god of capitalism! We will no longer be forced to live in despair! All people are created equally-and we must live equally. No race should be subjugated for the profit of another! Are you with me?
CROWD: YES!
LEON: Then you know what we must do. KILL THE CLAUS!
SCENE THREE:
Lights up on an office. Leon is sitting at a desk, speaking aloud as he writes.
LEON: ... The bougois [he oinks] is wrong. The bougois [he oinks] is always wrong. We will suffer no bougois [he oinks], for we are the proletariat. The proletariat is right. The proletariat is always right.
Enter MRS. TROTSKY.
MRS. TROTSKY: Leon.
LEON: The proletariat is always right!
MRS. TROTSKY: Leon!
LEON: What?!
MRS. TROTSKY: Happy birthday, dear.
LEON is annoyed.
LEON: For this you interrupted my great work?
MRS. TROTSKY: I got you a present.
LEON: I am uninterested in material goods!
MRS. TROTSKY: I know, dear. The present is that we finally got rid of the last of those damned pointy shoes.
LEON melts.
LEON: For me? You shouldn't have. Thank you.
MRS. TROTSKY is pleased with herself.
LEON: You know, Mrs. Trotsky, I've been thinking.
MRS. TROTSKY: Yes, dear?
LEON: This practice of giving only toys to good little children on only one day of the year reeks of the bougois [he oinks]. So I have decided to make another victory for the proletariat! Now there will be toys for the good children and the bad children every day of the year!
MRS. TROTSKY: You're a genius, Leon.
LEON: I know. But you realize, this is only the beginning, Mrs. Trotsky.
MRS. TROTSKY: What do you mean, Leon?
LEON: The glorious revolution of the proletariat will continue forever! And forever! And forever! And forever! And forever! And forever!
Blackout. LEON continues to say "And forever!" until the sound of a mountain climber's axe splitting his skull is heard.
END.
Liz Lopatto is a hero of the working class