The Return Of Andrea Spencer
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Since I "quit" writing for Über last year I have been deluged (and by "deluged" I mean I have gotten one) with email asking why I "left".
So here is the answer:
I haven't.
The truth is that for the past year I have been writing under an assumed name. That's right, you've all been part of an elaborate hoax: I am James Stegall.
I am sure you have many questions, the first being simple: "Why?"
Really, I don't know. I was beginning to feel like I was typecast in my role at Über - I was the girl, I wrote about girl things: boobs and lesbians, hated by Mathes and the butt of every Filler Friday Joke.
Which brings us to another reason for my decision: fart.jpg. The joke that was never funny, never clever, and hurt me very deeply. I have a history of taking terribly unflattering webcam pictures, but none have haunted me so much as that one. It is still the most requested file on my page. I am forever filled with shame viewing my referrals.
Now you probably want to know how I masterminded such a fiendishly clever plan.
At first, it was easy. Submitting articles to Ben (once he became desperate enough to accept outside submissions) became fun again.
However, my game of deceit soon became so complicated that I could no longer maintain it myself: James has a webpage, which is easy enough, but he also has a wife who is a poet, and probably some kids.
When it became clear that I could not handle both my alcoholism and James' life in a believable fashion, I turned to the people I trusted most: Mathes and Pressman. Mathes and I had long before made up, and Pressman is pretty much the gayest person I knew and probably the only one who could handle Mrs. Stegall to perfection.
So, while I'd like to take credit for the whole "Stegall" persona as it is today, I can't. For the past five months we've been passing him around like bunch of frat boys passes around a drunk blonde during Mardi Gras. Yes, exactly like that.
Why come clean now? With Mathes graduating and Pressman off doing god knows what, we've tired of this game. What was once fun has become work, and like many from my generation, I really cannot tolerate work.
And, I would like to write about boobies and lesbians again. I love boobies.
Andrea Spencer is a member of the Über 500