Letter to John Cusack (Dakota Smith)
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Dear John Cusack (Dakota Smith where applicable),
I am a huge fan of you and your work. I know you have many fans, but trust me, I am the biggest. This is why I think we should get together sometime in order to make passionate love, fueled by lust and desire. I'm sure you agree. But, being the successful movie (internet rock) star you are, I realize it would be difficult for you to take a break from the filming of another masterpiece (difficult to take a break from -- um -- ┼whatever you do). With this in mind, I have devised a plan to make our meeting and love sharing easier on you and your schedule. I shall describe the plan to you in detail, and include a SASE so that you can write to me with any confusions or issues of which you feel I should be notified.
1.) I will carefully select a drug with which to sedate you for at least twelve hours. I am hoping to be able to obtain a sedative which can be administered by mouth, but at last resort I suppose an intravenous tranquilizer would suffice. In order for me to properly choose and administer the drug to you, please inform me of any medicinal allergies you may have.
2.) I will take you back to my home in Chesterfield, Missouri where I will tend to you until the sedatives wear off. Upon your awakening, you will change into clean clothes and I will prepare a fine dinner of your choosing. It would be more convenient for me if you would include what you would like in the SASE. After dinner, we will retire to the upstairs for the evening.
3.) We will go upstairs into my parents' room. They will be out of town, and I will have placed candles all around the room and sprinkled the bed and carpet with fresh rose petals. Also, there is no need to be "weirded out" about love-making on my parents bed. I will flip the mattress and purchase new Egyptian cotton sheets. It will be cool, I promise.
4.) We will make hot, passionate, lustful love. Repeatedly.
5.) We will shower separately and change into our pajamas. I will show you to my sister's room where you will sleep. The sheets on her bed are also clean, and her room is never used since she is away at college. I will retreat to my own room and we will sleep peacefully through the night, each dreaming of being in the other's arms. We will eagerly await the morning.
6.) We will sleep in until ten thirty (three in the afternoon), and upon our awakening I will prepare a breakfast of pancakes and bacon with fresh maple syrup (uh.. tofu). There will also be fresh coffee and a variety of baked goods to sup on. Halfway through breakfast, you will propose marriage to me. I will graciously accept.
7.) We will fly back to L.A. or New York (or Austin) or whichever actor-y (internet rockstar-y) place you call home at the moment, and be lawfully (drunkenly) married forever and ever until death do us part. We will make more passionate love. We will have three children. You will win an Oscar (or whatever). We will make still more passionate love, and be happy for the rest of our lives. The End.
Mr. Cusack (Mr. Smith), I hope these plans are satisfactory to you. If not, I repeat that I have enclosed a SASE for you to reply to me with any concerns you may have. Thank you for your time, and have a nice day.
Katelyn Boone gave him her heart, and he gave her a pen.