New Airport Security Guidelines
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[This is the second piece by Mr. Jamie Allen, who has a book coming out this summer from So New Media. This piece may be included in that book. We are not sure.]
FAA Memo
From: J.P. Winderbaster, FAA Executive Security Chief To: American travelers Re: New airport security guidelines
Dear Troops:
In lieu of recent airport shutdowns, delays, and security lapses following the events of September 11, we at the Federal Aviation Administration, working closely with various U.S. government agencies, have come up with a set of new guidelines aimed at helping travelers overcome the various but necessary security increases, and speed their transport through the airline system. These guidelines are listed below. Please read through them and either commit them to memory, or carry a laminated copy with you at all times.
1. If airport security asks you to halt, stop, come here, bend over, or anything like this, please do as they say, and do it immediately. These people are semi-educated workers who believe -- truly believe -- their minimum-wage existence has placed them on the "front lines" in the war against terrorism. This makes them patriotic on a volatile level, and it means they believe that if you do not listen, you must be an enemy of the state recently escaped from Gitmo. They will use this, and the new law encouraging physical contact with travelers, as an excuse to pummel you senseless with their walkie-talkies, shoes, etc.
2. Leave your sexual toys, S&M leather accessories, etc. at home. Trust us on this one. Airline personnel will unpack your bag -- carry-on or checked -- at the check-in counter, in front of you, and in front of a large audience waiting in line behind you. Then, they will ask you to turn on each of your battery-operated items. This will most likely embarrass you, and it will most certainly perturb the airline personnel forced to re-pack your vibrating dildos. They will become unfriendly, and you will end up sitting in the middle seat between two very fat and smelly gentlemen in the back row of a prop plane bound for Alaska, where you will find your sex toys three days later.
3. If you decide to smoke in a designated airport smoking lounge, please do not cross your legs and rest the hand holding the cigarette near your shoes. In fact, just keep the cigarette in your mouth at all times. In fact, why not just give up smoking altogether? This will ensure no undue pummeling at your expense, like that foreign-looking fellow in Cleveland who took quite a whopping when he flicked his ashes within several feet of his Nikes.
4. If you utter the word "bomb" at the airport -- even such derivatives as "I got bombed last night" -- you will no longer be taken into custody; you will be shot on sight. Sorry, but these are the orders from Gen. Ashcroft, they are understood, and you are an idiot if you try to challenge them. Also, because of this new guideline, words that rhyme with "bomb" or sound like they rhyme with "bomb" (like "Don" or "Mom") will be banned from use in all U.S. airports. The use of the words "Allah," "ala," or "Ali" -- even in reference to the film starring Will Smith -- will result in an extensive billy-club pummeling, followed by a firing-squad death.
5. If you are Arab, Arab-American, or if you simply have dark hair and a pleasantly tan complexion, do not travel. You will be monitored from Step One of your airport visit; you will be hassled; you will be delayed; you will be screened at every available security checkpoint, and corralled through a few more just for fun. And if you persist, you will be strip-searched, tied to a pole, photographed, tattooed with an identification strip, and de-haired. And your ticket? It will be "misplaced." Again, sorry, but in these times it's necessary for patriotic Americans to know their duty to this country. Yours is to stay at home until this whole thing blows over in 20 or 30 years.
6. When waiting for your plane to arrive, you will be required, as part of your patriotic American duty, to spend at least $50 in the various airport gift shops we have set up for your convenience. If you do not spend the $50, we will assume you are Arab and take it from there.
Thank you for your continued support in the war against terrorism.
Sincerely,
J.P. Winderbaster FAA Executive Security Chief
Jamie Allen has the inside line.