List of, Alternately, Odd Snack Foods I Enjoy and Things About Which I Am Indignant
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1. Sharp cheddar and horseradish on crackers (Wheat Thins are nice.)
2. The Catholic Church, which should provide safe haven against predatory pedophiles, instead provide the pedophiles with safe haven, and position and power, and a constantly renewed pool of victims. Who knew that "Suffer the little children to come unto me" was meant as a double-entendre.
3. Sardines in Mustard Sauce. (If you eat them directly from the tin, use a plastic fork; Metal utensils in contact with the tin will create an odd after taste.)
4. People who do no physical exercise, who would not say no to a big fat slice of chocolate cake if it was offered to them by flaming Beelzebub himself, who indulge themselves remorselessly, then...when a more conscientious, health conscious individual has a medical problem...justify their total lack of will power with trite aphorisms like "All that exercising and watching what you eat doesn't mean a thing when you get right down to it."
5. Anchovy-stuffed olives.
6. My new boss who believes that prior to his arrival in the department, all decisions were made locking orangutans in conference rooms with white boards and colorful erasable markers. Also, he believes that I am those orangutans.
7. Garlic bagels, sliced in half and fried in a skillet.
8. People who do not understand that the concept of conversation involves both listening and speaking. Here's a handy guide. Divide 100 by the total number of people in the conversation. For example, a conversation with three participants would result in 100/3=33. The result represents the roughly the percent of time in the conversation that you should be talking. That means, the rest of the time, you should be listening. The degree to which you fall short of this is directly proportional to the degree to which you are a self-absorbed nincompoop.
9. Grapefruit slices and blue cheese. (You can also make a nice salad by adding romaine lettuce, pecans, and balsamic vinaigrette.)
10. Umbrellas. They should not be allowed in stadiums or busy streets. Sadly, many people are too stupid, or uncoordinated, or inconsiderate, or all of these to use them in public places without seriously endangering me, specifically my eyeballs.
Frank Duchossois is indignant.