How to Date a Celebrity
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I recently turned 25, and as a girl dancing on the outskirts of womanhood, I feel it is safe to let you in on a little secret of mine, The Pretend Boyfriend. I'm not talking about the kind of pretend boyfriend from some "other school" you had when you were in junior high school that you told all your friends about so they would think you were cool. I am talking about the best kind of Pretend Boyfriend, The Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend.
The best part about having a Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend (let's call him CPB for short) is that everyone already knows that he exists. They know that he won't be able to accompany you for drinks on Saturday night because everyone knows that this Saturday night, he is hosting Saturday Night Live. Your friends won't give you crap about him never showing up to any of their parties because E! News Daily has already informed the whole crowd that YOUR Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend is on location in Paris filming his new movie. Best of all, your friends will all be seething with jealousy when you speak of your Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend because they all wish that they had a Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend too.
I think this is a good time to explain the rules of a CPB. First of all, just because he is pretend and just because he is a celebrity, that doesn't give you the right to date out of your league. (Note that this rule does not apply to the Celebrity Pretend Girlfriend. If you are a greasy, trailer trashy type, it would be completely conceivable that you could get a girl like Pamela Anderson or Heather Locklear, you just have to be in a band). You want your CPB to appear to be realistic. This is why I have chosen Jack Black to be my CPB. It is totally conceivable that a girl like me would get a guy like Jack. My friends would never believe it if I said Brad Pitt was my CPB, they would know I was making it up! However, you also don't want to choose an unknown. I would love for Jonathan Rhys Meyers to be my CPB, but most people outside of the UK don't have the faintest idea of who he is. Your friends will not be impressed by your CPB if they have never heard of him. In fact, they will laugh at you for trying to pass your new boyfriend off as a celebrity, and honestly, this defeats the whole purpose of a CPB. The final rule in selecting your CPB is that he cannot be married. If he is, your friends will sell all your stories about him to the National Inquirer.
The benefits of having a CPB are exponential. People you thought hated you will invite you to all their parties hoping you will bring your famous boy along with you. You can use his name to get you a table at the most popular restaurants. And when you have been lazy and haven't returned any of the messages your friends left for you, they will understand when you tell them that Jack (or any celebrity you may choose) whisked you away to Paris for a quick weekend jaunt.
Finally, I must explain how to keep up appearances. You don't want word to get out that your CPB is actually pretend! That could destroy the wonderful reputation you have pretended so hard to get. You must not, under any circumstances, let your friends see you with another guy. No one will believe that you had the gall to cheat on a celebrity. You must be up on the recent news of your CPB. It's important to know when he has gotten engaged (so you can play heartbroken), when he has been arrested (so you can be furious with the justice system) or when he is in rehab (so you can plan weekend visits). It is also a good idea to look up biographical information on your CPB. The internet is a wonderful source but don't get caught with his fansites bookmarked. This will surely ruin your credibility.
Chances are, your CPB will never find out about this little tryst and quite frankly you don't want him to. While it's very cool to tell your friends your boyfriend is a celebrity, it is not cool to call them from jail because you were arrested. There is a fine line between pretending and stalking, and you must never, ever cross that line. The easiest way to avoid crossing the line is remembering that although you have had some wonderful times with your CPB and some really hot sex, it was all just in your head. Don't go getting a big head about and think that you can actually meet him, because in all seriousness you mean nothing to him.
If you follow these simple rules, you will soon have the Celebrity Pretend Boyfriend you have always dreamed about. That is all for now, my boyfriend, Jack Black, and I have a premiere to attend.
Sara Harmon is a liar