Filler Friday: Animals That Should Be Extinct
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Hi and welcome back to Filler Friday, the weekly column I used to do here at this fine, fine webzine.
A lot has happened since the last time I wrote for this zine. In stark contrast to the slacker bums I started this zine with, I actually graduated college. But it's kind of hard for me to continue to refer to them as "slacker bums" since they have "jobs" and I am unemployed.
But enough about how I'm a complete failure in life, I have some important things to say.
And what did I get in return for my lame fifteen minutes of pseudo- fame?
You're probably thinking sexual favors, chocolate licorice, job offers, naked pictures from fans, sexual favors, consulting gigs, sexual favors, hot oil massages, X-Box development kits, sexual favors, something along those lines. But no, all I got was Andy God Damned Pressman laughing at me.
Thanks Hiler, for ruining my one publicized success on the web.
But I can't be too hard on Hiler, I mean, he's really doing important work over there at Microcontent News. There are just not enough people talking about weblogs, so he's really providing a valuable service.
I kid, though, really, I kid. As many of you probably don't know since this medium has no sense of history, a longish time ago I used to run a little thing called webloglog that was a weblog about weblogs, much like what Hiler does these days. Except that I was funny, and I never destroyed anyone's carefully planned and executed jokes just to get published in two-bit shitty wannabe periodicals like Slate
And as if Pressman laughing wasn't bad enough, god damned mother fucking C-Net referred to me as a fucking blogger. Couldn't they have used some other insult? Accused me of being a necrophiliac or something?
While we're on the subject of how much weblogs fucking suck, let me give a pre-emptive fuck you to everyone who has written a book about weblogs that's coming out for not mentioning me. I was, after all, the preeminent meta-blogger. Fuck you guys, you are all bastards, especially Matt "I really should have shut down Metafilter at least a year ago" Haughey.
Anyway, just as I was about to write some brilliant fucking retort to the whole Google bombing fiasco, Ben "Whore-and-a-Half" Brown goes off and writes some horrendously bad fucking article about the whole thing, wasting the opportunity to say something of merit and instead starts by making fun of the fact that I shaved my beard off, and concludes with him whoring himself out like the dirty fucking slut he is.
Fuck you Ben; you suck.
But not for that, I of course have come to understand and accept your harlot ways. No, Ben, fuck you for "hiring" teenage girls to be Uber "interns." Whatever the hell that means. But no, no, Ben couldn't just hire any random teenage girls; he has to hire girls that are currently attending my old high school. 80 gazillion high schools in this world, he has to hire girls from the one where I spent some of the most miserable years of my life.
Now, it's important to note that I started surfing the capitol-I-Internet seven years ago to escape my high school, and now, here, my pal, Ben Brown, is using it to bring me closer to it, in my post-college years. Here I am, with some jackass article about Google bombing generating 95% of the traffic for this piece of crap webzine, and this is the thanks I get.
Damn you Ben, damn you to hell, where all the dead designers there will chastise you for the lame design of this webzine. I mean, seriously, what is that red shit at the top? Is that supposed to look good? Or be memorable? Do you consider that branding? Do you think anybody is going to pay for Uber merchandise if the entire brand is based on generic sans-serif white type on a generic blood red rectangle? The kids want something with class, damn it. I mean, this design sucks so much it makes me think all those old orange benbrown.com designs that made my eyes bleed and my monitor smoke were almost decent, and in extensive user testing those tended to score just about equally with the control test site that consisted entirely of scans of Ben's ass.
Well, looking on my Hello Kitty notepad, that exhausts the "Fuck you's" list I made while watching G.I. Joe last night, except for one that reads "Carl Steadman's Plasticmail ?!?!!" Honestly though, I'm too angry to even start on that one. So that concludes this fine, fine Filler Friday. Hope you enjoyed it, because it may be the only one you get for a long while.
Adam Mathes has high blood pressure and nothing to do