Surefire Sequels from the Film Psychic
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Before you plan that sequel for a hot new movie, consult the Film Psychic. Don’t take a chance by trusting your own judgment. Make your sequel a surefire hit!
Ashcroft Powers: GleeMember
Erstwhile crooner and over-reactionary, Attorney General John Ashcroft starts each day with private staff prayer and a capella versions of “On Broadway” and Phil Collins’s “I’ve Got a Line on You.” But the FBI’s PreGlee Club learns he’ll sing again, in public, and he must be stopped, even if his civil liberties get trampled in the process. Yeah, Baby!
The Bjork Identity
Eccentric pop singer awakes from a state of suspended Icelandic animation to discover she still knows exactly who she is. But the world has forgotten.
Divine Secrets of the Bush Brotherhood
Let me tell a story ‘bout a man named Jeb, poor governor barely kept his coffers fed. Then one day, he was yakking with his bro, and down from D.C. came a freight train of dough. Money, that is. Re-election green. Florida tea.
Men in Chaps III
Sometimes the world needs help, like when aliens invade or foreign countries release bioweapons. Other times the world just needs a few men in bumless chaps to shake things up a bit. This modern fable serves up the requisite alien invaders and foreign despots, but the real thrill is watching our chapped heroes gallop cross-country cracking whips across the pink backsides of delinquent, deviant, thieving CEO’s. A real vicarious treat, with bumless leather chaps. Ride on, you postmodern cowboys of love!
My Big Fat Creepy TV Show
Anna Nicole Smith is a clueless and creepy creature of celebrity culture. And then her wacky relatives show up! Vying for the hearts of millions of American viewers, the siblings, cousins, and in-bred relatives of Anna Nicole Smith strip, bitch, backstab, and generally stagger around bewildered in open robes as they compete in an intra-family talent competition judged by that posturing bastard Simon from American Idol. In these “Bra Wars,” the attack of the clones ain’t pretty. It’s super tasty creepy, American style!
Mickey loses his mind and stars in a really bad comedy. Flop-eared and gruff-voiced from the disheartening experience, Mickey hears that his dog Pluto has buried a chest of cash from embezzled corporate funds, stock fraud, and insider trading somewhere in the backyard. Hilarious antics ensue as Mickey attempts to con, cajole, bribe, seduce, appease, and eventually threaten his faithful dog Pluto until Mickey loses it and whallops him on the nose with a Wall Street Journal. What next? Send Pluto to the “doghouse,” and start digging, Mickey! Don’t worry about trespassing over “lot lines” or freakin’ out your neighbors. Just keep digging! Senate investigations into corporate malfeasance have never been this animated!
Stewart Little 3
A self-made woman hounded by The Man, Martha joins forces with Hillary Clinton, and they set off on a rabble-rousing feel-good tour across America! Technically, it’s fundraising, but Martha could use the extra dough and hasn’t decided which political office she wants to run for. Hillary cautions against anything over-ambitious. Will Oprah be forced to join them as she, too, is targeted by The Man? Will John McCain ever return their phone calls? Featuring guest appearances by Brad Pitt, Monica Lewinsky, Dr. Phil, and the Hooters girls, who struggle in vain to keep their tawdry T-shirts and shorts from getting the Martha treatment!
The Kid Stays in the White House A documentary of the 2004 Presidential election, featuring the U.S Supreme Court reprising its dramatic role from the 2000 movie. Er, election.
David Barringer can see the future of entertainment.