This Is The Advice You Need
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Women, Many people are happy in their current relationships. We can say that without fear of being proved incorrect in a barrage of e-mails and phone calls. But as is often the case, these happy couples are plagued with a sense of incompleteness. Their current situation, while healthy and open and good, seems to be missing that special “oomph” that is so prevalently displayed in our more popular forms of media. And surely you must recognize this, but the question remains: what can be done? We here at Irritable Colon World Headquarters think that we’ve found a solution, and we believe that it lies within the 2001 film “Glitter”, starring the one and only Mariah Carey in the role she was born to play. From being raised in an impoverished, negligent environment, to her triumphant explosion of success, the film chronicles Mariah’s character Billie, a rising starlet destine for greatness. But more pertinent and important than the sweeping arcs of this storyline, lies her relationship with DJ Julian Dice (Max Beesley), with whom she shares everything, including her most powerful feelings of love. Do you and your partner share an overpowering emotional bond like the one forged between Billie and Dice? Few do. But with this helpful questionnaire/chart, it will be possible to reevaluate your relationship, and perhaps instigate the changes necessary to fulfill your needs. With time, and great effort, your lives could one day mirror those of the characters in the epic-saga that is “Glitter”.
| From "Glitter": | Changes To Help You On Your Way: |
|---|---|
| Billie’s mother, a Blues singer, sets her couch ablaze when she falls asleep with a lit cigarette in her hand. |
Call your mother and ask her to set fire to her couch or other large piece of home furnishing. Tell her to do so while whistling or humming classic Blues standards.
|
| Billie meets DJ Dice while dancing at a nightclub. He asks her to sing and is immediately enraptured by both her beauty and her talent. | Make your significant other promise to become a professional DJ at a popular local club (even if this can only be accomplished by force or by bribery). Steal a microphone and sing to him until you are both given 1) record deals, or 2) substantial blows to the head by angered bouncers. |
| Bille is friends with famous rapper-person, Da Brat. | Make friends with rhyme-friendly people who have sassy aliases. Encourage them to use such phrases as “Yo! That is dope!” or even “Yo! That is tight!” |
| Billie and Dice’s oft-loving dialogue was written by Kate Lanier. |
Contact Ms. Lanier’s agent, Mr. Doug Chapin of Doug Chapin Management, and request that the screenwriter begin writing the daily dialogue between you and your significant other.
If Ms. Lanier is unavailable, carefully analyze the “Glitter” script. You may also want to spend some time with the texts “Set It Off” and “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”, two other works penned by this capable scribe. |
| Upon “making it to the big-time”, Billie is cast into a world that wishes to exploit her only for her youthful appearance and well-toned body, not her obvious, musical talents. | Ask your significant other to enter your workplace, forcibly imply that you no longer have to put up with this nonsense, and, finally, watch him punch your boss in the face. As this occurs, you should feel both pride and shame. |
| Billie catches Dice in the throes of passion with another woman. | Hire a hooker, or a friend (possibly also a hooker), to seduce your boyfriend or husband into sexual intercourse. Wait outside your home until you are certain that they are engaged in acts of passion, burst in, catch them, and storm out in a sassy explosion of tears. |
| Billie finds her real mother in a rural area some distance away from the city. | Stop speaking with your own mother immediately. Wait ten years in the hope that she will be mysteriously drawn to rural areas some distance away from the city. Find her. Embrace briefly. |
| Dice is shot and killed by an armed thug to whom he owes money. | Befriend an armed thug who will not think twice about shooting your significant other. Weep uncontrollably for five to ten minutes. |
| Billie performs at the Madison Square Garden auditorium. |
Schedule a performance at the Madison Square Garden auditorium by contacting:
Madison Square Garden |
We hope that by following these few easy steps you have now revived your relationship and are well on your way to a happier and healthier life with your special someone.
Steve Delahoyde is a professional advice giver.