FBI Audition Tape #1 - Greenbough
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
“Hey this is uh, Freelance Agent in training Greenbough, time is like sixish, no wait, five thirtyish because my dad set that clock up fast so he would always think he was running late. Yeah it’s Friday, ummm, Friday in March. I’m sending this tape as a preliminary audition that will be included as part of the portfolio I am working towards that I will submit to the Bureau at a later date. Hopefully this added credit will make up for my lack of marks and I will be able to join the Bureau. I and several other members of my immediate community including my mother who is a, or should I say an librarian employed by the very state government which I hope one day to protect agrees with myself and several others that the standardized testing methods are not as applicable to the job, or indeed the lifestyle, as they once were. After all, not all criminals are classic definition quote smart, end quote smart, either, and so who’s meant to catch them?
I’m just beginning my initial observations of the body of the deceased that I will be performing an autopsy on this evening. He slash she is tallish, it’s hard to tell because they’re lying down. Hang on a sec, [bumps and muffled noises] yeah I was just trying to lie down next to the body to measure it up against myself, but Dad’s work bench is really narrow, so I just kinda lay on top. This means that the deceased is probably a fair bit shorter than me, but I’m wearing shoes so it’s not going to be an exact measurement anyway. Weight is, well, I’m really not sure, you can’t tell that from lying on top of a body.
The body is severely traumatized, if it wasn’t for the fact that I knew the deceased on a first name basis at the time, and prior to, his passing and also because of the identification found on the deceaseds personage and also the prior to knowledge of knowing the deceaseds name and personage I would hardly recognise who it was or indeed who it is and was. This is clearly the work of a sick person, or the accidental work of someone who may or may not have been sick because the case is still open and I am not allowed to make assumptions about how the person died because it is my job to simply gather information. This is something I know and will not have to be taught at any later learning dates. I think it is safe however for me to assume that the deceased is a dog, due to the fact that, well, I know it is because it used to belong to my neighbor before his dad accidentally ran over it this morning.
The deceased shows no sign of struggle except for the lower half of the body which has been crushed and the big scratch marks left on my neighbor’s Ford pickup, license plate UPD-895, registration current, a three year old model that is white and vacuumed every Saturday afternoon so I suggest that someone investigates it before then. There is also a lot of twigs and gravel and pebbles and stuff that I will group under the generic label of rockage before I send it off to the lab. It seems to be the gravel that can commonly be found in and around the areas of suburban driveways, especially those in my general postcode, especially next door. From this evidence I would hazard a guesstimate that the deceased was deceaseded in this general postcode, possibly next door. In addition to this exterior evidence there is also a lot of dirt and soil plus one of my buttons which came off my shirt in the measuring process which I have kept for my mother to reattach and a dent in the deceaseds skullal area where my shovel hit it when I dug it up this afternoon, but I am disregarding this as evidence because I did it. But note that I am noting it and not just blaming it on the culprit.
I am now making my initial incision and [retching and coughing] the deceased smells a lot more than I thought it would. There is a lot of blood. Um, among all this heaps of blood there are lots of organs, none of which look tampered with, except of course those that were crushed in the running over that occurred this afternoon. I think it can safely be assumed that the deceased was the victim of a hit and run and that who ever did it did it with a vehicle of some sort, most likely one that ran over the deceased. I was not able to obtain the kitchen scales to measure the weight of all the organs of the deceased so by simple maths if we just divide the initial number of weight that I recorded earlier by what looks to be about five organs, I’m not sure whether these brown ones are joined, let’s say seven organs assuming there is at least one that is behind another one, then if we average out all the organs and deduct the weight of the bones and the fur then the organs probably weigh roughly the same weight each.
The lungs are not full of fresh, brackish, salt or non-salt water so it is possible that the dog quite obviously didn’t die from a drowning or a near drowning plus a heart failure. If this bit here is the heart then it looks like it didn’t rupture, it is without any holes of any size, even those that are only perceptible under a magnifying glass which I am now using. Moving up to the head and away from the smell, I am removing all the deceaseds teeth and mixing them with a batch of hobby kit Plaster of Paris so as that they may be preserved and matched up against other teeth at a later date so that we can ascertain whether this is a serially deceased victim that may be struck at again by both the original killer or copy cat killers at later dates. The deceaseds eyes are closed and that is how I am leaving them for the prosperity of evidence. The deceaseds ears are regular and one of them has a spot on it.
I believe that this is all I can deduct from this initial autopsy. Of course more facts may be revealed tomorrow when I do another one. I will be storing the body in a garbage bag in the back of my Grandma’s old freezer. If any ice is discovered within the body during tomorrow’s autopsy I assume it will be from this freezening. At this early hour I find it rash to hypothesize but I would say that the deceased was run over, or rather, driven over by a Ford pick up truck earlier today and that this circumstantial evidence is backed up by my own eye witnessing of the event this morning.
This is the end of my initial audition tape, I hope it finds you in good health and that you may consider it a piece worthy of me possibly gaining acceptance to your own fine bureau, or failing that, possibly a teaching aide. Yours in good faith and sincerely, Freelance Agent In Training Greenbough, over and ouuuuut.....now.” [Click] end of recording
Amateur recording received by the Federal Bank of Industry.
Transcription by Matt Roden