How to Coax a Telemarketer Into Dating You
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Lonesome? Lovelorn? Hopelessly alone? Well look no further because your relationship problems will soon come to an end. Sure you can try your luck at your closest smoky pub, eatery, or coffee shop but why go through all that trouble? Why walk the streets examining each potential's ring finger when the solution to your dating dilemma is just a phone call away. Before I let you in on this little known angle, you must first adequately prepare yourself.
You must first find a full-length mirror in which to examine yourself. If you don't have immediate access to one, drive over to your local Dress Barn or clothing retailer and grab a few things off the hangers so you can use their dressing room mirrors. Stand in front of the mirror and give yourself a good look. Go ahead; make a muscle with your bicep. Strike a pose like Madonna. Flash those pearly whites and really admire yourself. After fifteen minutes, you should have enough self-esteem to power a medium-size microwave for about six and a half minutes and believe me that's plenty. Now adequately equipped, you're ready to learn of this untapped secret. I'm sure that you are unfortunately aware of the existence of telemarketers. So what right? Well there is the secret right there, staring you in the face or I should say babbling in your ear this whole time. In the following paragraphs I'll document the sensitive art of coaxing a telemarketer into dating you.
First comes the easy part: waiting for a telemarketer to call. The best time for this is around 7:30AM when you're having the most beautiful sleep you can imagine and your phone rings, jolting you out of a dream in which you are finishing up a luxurious dinner with Natalie Portman and heading to her... ahem. After you roll out of bed and stub your fucking toe trying to look for the cordless phone, you pick it up and mutter an inaudible 'hello' into the receiver. If the telemarketer is of the opposite gender you're in business. If they have an androgynous voice or if it's of the same gender, tell them to take your name off their list and let you get some fucking sleep.
The telemarketer will no doubt launch into their asinine sale pitch at such a speed where the only words you can make out are 'window treatments' and 'thirty-day in-home trial'. Here is your big chance. Stop them in mid-sentence and tell them they sound like someone famous. If I were talking to a woman telemarketer, I would say she had the exact tone and inflection of Julia Roberts. After she giggles with flattery, you know they've let their guard down. They will probably start going back to their idiotic sales pitch but be stern. Ask them about what kind of music they listen to. Perhaps you can start a conversation about something political, or maybe the best remedy for eliminating cold sores.
Sometimes an impatient telemarketer will get a little anxious and request that you stop freaking them out. Others may lie and claim they have a boyfriend/girlfriend or even admonish you in your foolish attempt at persuasion. Just remember that you have the upper hand in that they called you. If they seem uninterested you can use this point against them. Once you've adequately drawn the attention of your newfound potential, you can start to get a little more intimate. Ask them what they're wearing. Male telemarketers may be a little more forthcoming with this information than females so you guys may have to work that charm.
At this point the telemarketer may have hung up but remember, practice makes perfect. No one expects you to hit it off on your first attempt but it's all in the way you work it. Dating a telemarketer immediately provides you with several advantages. Think about it. They have the power to remove you from the big telemarketer database. They also have access the big Rolodex of unlisted numbers that is the paramount tool available to any telemarketer.
In closing I implore all who heed my advice to try and keep this a secret because if everyone starts dating telemarketers, there won't be enough to go around. Despite the fact that telemarketer's are a precious commodity, I would still relish the opportunity to see them all locked in a big room full of flesh eating rodents. That should teach those inconsiderate bastards.
Henry Ellister needs to get out more.