The Secret Audio Track Of The Saddam Capture Video
↑ that's a permalink! visit the full archive
[Saddam Week continues]
We've all seen the video of Saddam Hussein being examined by an anonymous, rubber gloved man. What very few people have experienced, though, is the secret audio track that goes with the video.
Unbeknownst to the United States Army, Saddam contacted the staff at the Bravo Network's Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and applied to be made over for their show. The Fab Five visited him in his spider hole to prepare him for his eminent "coming out" to the world. What we saw on that video, replayed endlessly on all the major networks, is actually the Queer Eye recap video, minus the comments of the fashionable gay men.
Here, for the first time, is a transcript of what they said:
Carson: Ok, here we go! There he is, our little darling.
Thom: God, where are they holding him? A highschool locker room?
Kai: Oh god, look at his hair!
Kyan: Where's the product? He totally ignored my advice. There is no product in that hair!
Carson: That's not hair! It's a mane!
Thom: At least the soldier is jeujing it for him.
Kyan: Jeuje!
Carson: High fives!
[CLAPPING]
Ted: But what are they doing now?
Kyan: Uh! Who said we shouldn't do the teeth whitening? I knew that was a good idea.
Ted: Jesus, the doctor sure is digging around in there alot.
Kai: Look at that. He jeujed his beard.
Carson: That's our Saddam!
Kyan: I hope he doesn't over jeuje!
Ted: The doctor is still digging around in his mouth! What does he think he's going to find? I mean, there might be a few pieces of the white truffle crepe we made.
Kai: That was so good!
[GLASSES CLINKING]
Thom: At least his breath probably smells nice.
Carson: Look at that soldiers outfit. So bland. I think I need to talk to his stylist.
Kai: And the rubber gloves.
Carson: Oo! That gives me an idea.
Thom: Give it to me, baby!
Carson: Nothing turns me on like the snap! snap! of rubber gloves.
Kyan: Ok! Enough beard jeujing!
Carson: He's ruining it! Oh, what's happening now?
Ted: It looks like he's just standing there.
Kai: I think they're taking his photo.
Thom: Strike a pose!
Kai: He really does photograph well. So powerful, even with his hair all wild like that.
Kyan: Ugh! I don't even know why I try. Look, you can totally tell that he didn't use the moisturizer I bought him. And he definitely didn't trim his beard.
Ted: There's only so much you can do.
Carson: Is that it?
Thom: Aw!
Ted: That was quick.
Carson: Well, I guess he is a brutal dictator...
Kyan: But he looked so good.
Kai: Tired...
Kyan: Yeah, but good.
Carson: And I wouldn't mind meeting that doctor fellow.
Ted: Just dig yourself a spider hole and maybe he'll come find you.
Carson: Touche! Well! Good job, ladies! Cheers!
[GLASSES CLINKING]
---------------------------------------
your political side of uber today? lifted from The Guardian
'The future is being fought over now'
The 'axis of weasel' papers have their say
Wednesday December 17, 2003 The Guardian
Serge July Libération, France, December 16
"International diplomacy has taken a sudden turn. The American war cannot now be justified as if by magic, but we have turned a page from the unsuccessful search for weapons of mass destruction ... Now even resolute opponents of the war, such as Jacques Chirac [the French president], would like to take part in Iraqi constitution and the transfer of sovereignty. Despite the attacks, this victory is, for the Americans, far from being insignificant."
Uwe Vorkötter Berliner Zeitung, Germany, December 15
"[It] was one of the best days yet for President George Bush in the so-called postwar period. It was a strange experience to see people cheering the Americans on the streets of Baghdad or Kirkuk. The president can now make it clear to the voters at home that not everything is going wrong in distant Iraq. Mr Bush's second term has inched that little bit nearer."
Kommersant Editorial, Russia, December 15
"The capture of Saddam Hussein is the first real success for the US since the start of the global 'war on terror'. The men behind September 11 - Osama bin Laden and the Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar - have still not been found. Even sadder is that Saddam's role in international terrorism has still not been proven by Washington.
"The arrest, trial and execution of the dictator will be a great PR event for Mr Bush before next year's presidential election - it is obvious that the trial of the tyrant will be stretched out until next autumn in order to remind the American electorate before the vote just who caught Saddam. However, even American power cannot prevent further problems in Iraq."
Le Figaro Editorial, France, December 15
"Their success gives the Americans a new authority ... But is this capture an opportunity for Washington? And will it know how to seize it? The choice is clear. Either the Americans, finally rid of the cancer of Saddam, will ... cooperate with other countries to bring democracy to Iraq. Or democracy will be only a veil, used to serve only US own interests. Since the Americans are the masters of the world, the question is whether they will become scouts or dig their own graves. The future is being fought over now."
Peter Münch Süddeutsche Zeitung, Germany, December 15
"The arrest of Saddam will only amount to something more than an act of making amends if the US government recognises it must take the chance to pursue reconciliation. The old enemy has been caught and this must become the sign of new cooperation. In short, the Americans have Saddam, now the Iraqis must get electricity. The only way to stabilise the country is to offer the Iraqi people a future. If the Iraqis can believe in a future free of the shadow of the past, then the opponents of change will no longer stand a chance."
Izvestia Editorial, Russia, December 15
"Tony Blair is right to say that no longer does an evil shadow hang over Iraq ... However, it is unlikely that it will be easier [for the coalition], just as it didn't become easier for the Russians after the death of [the Chechen separatist leader] Dzhokar Dudayev ... Instead of nationalist slogans in Chechnya, more and more Islamic slogans appeared. Something similar is now happening in Iraq. Iraqi nationalism, most visible in the form of Saddam, has been conquered. But in the Arab world, nationalism is far from being the most dangerous opponent."
[Guardian text: Guardian Unlimited © Guardian Newspapers Limited 2003... although, it seems to me that they lifted from all these other papers. oh well. i'm just trying to keep us here at old uber out of trouble.]
Ben Brown has an ear for hidden detail.