Political Monday
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Bush's War on Ecological Terrorism
by Steve Park
According to leaked CIA documents, George Dubya has given Japanese and Russian whalers a green light to hunt down the whales as they see fit. According to the documents, Dubya held a firm position that the whales were the ecological terrorists, not the whalers. Dubya called the whales a threat to all peace-loving plankton everywhere and that their violence and terrorism against the plankton must be stopped. Dick Cheney chimed in and stated, “The plankton does not belong to the whales. Everyone knows that the plankton, along with all other existing species, belong not to whales or nature, but to man. We have long-term plans for the plankton and the whales are in direct conflict with our greed, I mean needs.”
Further leaked documents state that George Dubya was denied a UN resolution by the United Nations to hunt down what he called, “Whales of Mass Destruction.” He claimed later that he does not need permission from anyone to launch a “preemptive whaling attack against Shamu, or as we call him Ace of spades, and his band of evil, non-compliant mammals.” When he was informed of Green Peace’s angry protests against his resolution, he stated, “Bring them on…and bring on the whales. If they choose to attack our gigantic whaling boats with their flesh and blood and blubber and whale songs, we will have no choice but to defend ourselves with our razor sharp, 200 lb harpoons, and hide behind our whaling boats. To support this effort against these WMDs we will of course have to turn these whaling efforts into profit.”
Other documents show satellite pictures of the whales clearly violating Dubya’s resolution by eating the plankton, swimming around in the ocean and defiantly keeping their flesh and blubber to themselves instead of rightfully handing it over to the human corporations.
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Forgive Me Father
by Graham Ross Smith
I am guilty of the following...
Gluttony, wrath, sloth, pride, envy, lust, avarice, Doc, eating meat on a Friday, wearing green after labour day, hating the gays, mocking god, laughing in the face of death, blasphemy, singing in the shower, making a fat girl cry, arrogance, boasting, bestiality, writing lists as opposed to real articles, repeating myself, masturbating, worshipping false idols, creating phallic symbols, using Microsoft products, being guilty, pretending otherwise, thievery, cheating, sneezing without covering my mouth, killing people, picking my nose, eating it, plagiarism, not repenting, questioning the faith, having no faith, arguing with people who do, driving through red lights, being under the influence at the time, running someone over, having a criminal record, anal, escaping, bribery, deceit, trickery, raising criminals, monsterism, poor spelling, procrastination, defenestrating, being British, being unAmerican, voting for the other guy, not voting at all, rigging the election, spitting, killing insects, killing pets, smashing a window, sharing a birthday with Sylvester Stallone, lying about it, mischief, being white, being male, being straight, probably, forming strategeries, dancing, being threatened by women smarter than me, being threatened by women dumber than me, being threatened by women, being threatened, being, sarcasm, having a poor attitude, repeating myself, not finishing what I, daydreaming, wandering, stealing wreaths, getting urine on the seat, not cleaning it off, putting the seat down, failing to propagate a stereotype, being my fathers son, skipping, slacking, prancing, Rudolph, listening to the same song on repeat, slamming doors, shouting, drinking, being indecisive, I guess, knocking loudly, disturbing, being disturbed, looking at people funny, staring, drooling, choking on pretzels, panting, petting, voyeurism, waffling, being nosey, snooping, eavesdropping, putting on weight and not caring, laughing behind peoples back, being a male cheerleader, laughing to their face, punching, headbutting, kicking, being stupid, screaming, denouncing, snorting, Japanese, not wiping properly, scratching, itching, flicking, holding a grudge, doing bad impressions of famous people, disliking Marmite, liking Field Of Dreams, making up words, misunderestimating, ending.
Who am I?
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Thoughts on Kerry
by Bill Walton
"I don't know who to vote for now. I was hoping John Edwards would win the nomination. I just can't vote for John Kerry. I can't vote for a guy who looks like a cross between Maury Povich and Herman Munster. I mean really, if he stands next to Connie Chung, he is Povich. If he shaves his eyebrows, he is Herman Munster. Kerry is one scary, goofy looking dude."
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5 Jerks
by Donnie Boman
You thought I was going to list Karl Rove or someone. It is too hard to list only 5 political jerks. So, I will list only 2.
You
Me
Go vote. Don't be a jerk.
Steve Park, Graham Ross Smith, Bill Walton, and Donnie Boman have agendas.