Easy guidelines for music store customers (+ Uber in context controversy?)
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I have worked selling musical instruments on and off for about four years, and in that time I have come to realize that most people have absolutely no idea how to behave with dignity and decorum in a music store. I present these guidelines in the hope of improving the relationship between music store employees and their customers everywhere.
1. Do not play Nirvana on the guitars or Fur Elise on the keyboards. These are the first songs anyone learns, and therefore the first songs everyone plays incorrectly in their first visit to a music store.
2. No good music has ever been produced in the following styles: Calypso, Klezmer, Rumba, Ska, Zydeco, New Age, Christian or anything Middle Eastern. These kinds of music, like slash porn, should be produced and consumed only in the privacy of your own home. Don't bring them to a music store.
3. Just because someone works in a music store does not mean they are interested in your take on corporate America and the prison system. Musicians understand politics about as well as politicians play music.
4. This should be pretty self-evident, but salesmen hate Native American flutes and the people who play them. If you are looking for a way to add more reverb to the Native American flute/ocarina duets you perform on the street downtown, do not go into a music store. Instead, perhaps you should go fuck yourself.
5. Do not bring in an expert friend. Your expert friend is probably an idiot, but has to act like the instruments are inferior and the price is too high because he has been brought in as the expert friend.
6. Every cheap violin in the world says Stradivarius on the inside. Before the thought that you are sneaking off with a priceless treasure for $150 overcomes you with giddy idiocy, take a second look at where it says Made in Bangladesh below the word Stradivarius.
7. If you are hot, and buying a gift for your boyfriend, do not tell the salesmen. If you do, you will get horrible service. Music store employees all feel that, as musicians, they should be getting laid a lot, and you having a boyfriend only serves as a painful reminder that they aren't.
8. If you buy a tablature book for a terrible band, it is unfair to expect salespeople to conceal their amusement. Anyone approaching the counter with an EZ Guitar: Heart or Good Charlotte songbook must accept that he is creating unavoidable hilarity, and will be laughed at.
9. Calling someone "bro" does not entitle you to a discount.
10. If you are trying out an acoustic guitar, do not start singing. You are just drowning out the guitar that you should be listening to. Salespeople will not be impressed by your rendition of Creed tunes. They will think you are a douchebag.
11. If you think you a being funny by ironically playing Stairway to Heaven, which everyone knows you can't play in a music store, you are wrong.
You are being a dickhead.
12. There is nothing cute about a child in a music store. However amusing you may find it to hear little Johnny bang on hand drums, bleat out of a trumpet and wipe his greasy hands across the strings of expensive guitars, the store employees are thinking about how great it would be for little Johnny to be kidnapped and turned into a sex worker in Southeast Asia.
13. Harmonicas are like hookers. Once your mouth is on it, you've bought it. No refunds.
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[Continuing on with Uber in context:]
"Up to 90 percent of Iraqi detainees were arrested ''by mistake,'' according to coalition intelligence officers cited in a Red Cross report disclosed Monday.
"Abuse of Iraqi prisoners by American soldiers was widespread and routine, the report finds -- contrary to President Bush's contention that the mistreatment ''was the wrongdoing of a few.''
"Red Cross delegates saw U.S. military intelligence officers mistreating prisoners under interrogation at Abu Ghraib prison and collected allegations of abuse at more than 10 other detention facilities, according to the report."
...
Some people like the idea of Uber in Context, and some people don't. What about you? Uber basically belongs to the people. Let me know. A few exchanges regarding yesterday's post...
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
To: donnie boman
From: Steve Park
Subject: Hey Donnie
Right on! I hear you.
Have a good one,
Steve
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
To: Steve Park
From: donnie boman
Subject: Re: Hey Donnie
Thanks!
-D
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Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
To: donnie boman
From: Robert McEvily
Subject: today's uber
Donnie-
Nicely done.
-Rob
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
To: Robert McEvily
From: donnie boman
Subject: Re: today's uber
Thanks.
-D
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Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
From: Paul Chase
To: donnie boman
Subject: gross
i'd really prefer uber remain as it was, without the paragraph of whatever you feel like posting.
i don't think it'll upset me enough to stop visiting, but it did annoy me enough to send this message.
cheers,
pjcii
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
To: Paul Chase
From: donnie boman
Subject: Re: gross
thanks for sending along your opinion. i've gotten nothing but thumbs-up for the idea [up until this point, anyway, but oh how things change...], so your e-mail made me want to ask you why you disagree?
gross? how?
-d
[...waiting for a response...]
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From: nickjdey
To: donnie boman
Subject: [none]
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
Yes, of course! Just what a site like Uber needs! Sound bite political commentary of the type just perfect to incite self-righteous, partisan indignation, but that lacks any real discussion of causes or possible solutions of problems. Perhaps we can even take this all one step further, and start publishing the well developed and convincing arguments of angry crowds everywhere, “Hey, Ho! Hey, Ho! So-and-so has got to go!” and “What do we want? An overly simplistic solution! When do we want it? Now!”
Yes, Uber is no longer just about random lists and laughs. A new day is here, and it won’t settle for anything less than a Pulitzer.
-Nicholas Dey.
Date: Mon, 10 May 2004
From: donnie boman
Subject: Re:
To: nickjdey
our thoughts exactly.
really, what would you have us do? turn into counterpunch or alternet or a site that can really synthesize and analyze the news? or don't talk about the news when we are really focused on it all the time?
if you want to send us your solutions to problems then go ahead. if there were easy solutions to problems, then don't you think someone would've advanced them yet? but don't you think that if people read the news and thought about it and talked about the fucked up things that are going on, then maybe some reasonable discourse could come out of all that talking about the "things going on"?
so, maybe you don't think the "little paragraph" spoke for itself. what do you want me to do about it?
i am being serious. thank you.
-donnie
[...waiting for a response...]
Ben Rohrbaugh knows that literary humor sites (much like musicians) don't know much about politics either. Maybe everyone should all just learn the harmonica instead of worrying about the state of the world. Or put our mouths on hookers. Or something.