Über exclusive: Interview with Mike Tyson
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Steve: "Mike, what's up champ? What do you have to say to the Über audience?"
Mike: "It's good man. I think Über is awesome! Y'know I'll be competing in the K-1 kickboxing show in the fall? I'm just getting ready to put a beating some unlucky man. I've been training and picking up some nasty shit. You know I'm into all kinds of fighting: Boxing, kickboxing, TKD, Karate, Kung Fu, Jiu-Jitsu, Hwa Rang Do, Moon Yea Do, BitcHoDo and YoHoHoDo."
S: "Yo Mike, what up with the last two? I've never heard of those."
M: "BitcHoDo is the art form that evolved from studying bitches and hos in nasty street fights. It's pretty effective and also f*cking entertaining. YoHoHoDo is the new street fighting style of white guys who are really into pirates. I heard that Ben Brown cat is a mother f*cking black belt in YoHoHoDo."
S: "Damn, I didn't even know that. I do know that he was really into pirates last year... What else are you up to? There are rumors that you are flat broke, is that true? What are you doing to bring in some cash?"
M: "Well, my cousin got me a job in the assembly line with a company that makes little crystal elephants and them cute tiny flowers you see in the malls and shit, but it just didn't work out for me. It wasn't my thing. Lately though, I've gotten offers to do those fast legal disclosure at the end of commercials. For example, at the end of the car commercials, I'll be saying, "See your participatory dealers for details and rules and regulations and shit. Void in some states where inapplicable." Another example, at the end of the McDonalds commercial, I may be saying something like, "We're loving it! And by the way, the coffee is motherf*cking hot so don't be pouring it on your crotch! You dumb motherf*ckers! Don't be hitting us with no bullshit lawsuits you dumb, coffee spilling, supersizing, fat bastards!"
S: "That's way cool Mike. Hope things work out for you. So, how's the dating life? Have you found the woman who truly understands you yet?"
M: "With all the legal disclaimer shit I've been studying up, I had a chance to hook up with Gloria Allred. She is all woman you know what I'm saying?
S: "That's wrong Mike. You and Allred aint' alright Mike. You're shitting me aren't' you?"
M: "...he he. Yeah, I was bullshitting. Me and Allred would be like saying Rodman was bagging Madonna."
S: "Mike, that actually happened. Rodman slammed her a long time ago when he was with Detroit."
M: "Yeah? Shit. That was a long time ago. Then, I'd say me and Allred is like saying Webster is balling the Olsen Twins."
S: "...um, I heard he is actually. Emmanuel Lewis is the quarter-pounder between the Olsen twin buns."
M: "What?! That Webster is a dog! A motherf*cking dog!"
S: "Speaking of Webster, is it true that you are looking into doing some sitcoms? I heard some weird rumors."
M: "Yeah, I'm very excited about that as well. I'm going to be in the black remake of the 'Happy Days.' It is going to be very good and fun for the whole family, whether you are black or white."
S: "Will you be playing the Fonz?"
M: "Of course man! What! Do I look like a motherf*cking black Chachi? I ain't no Chachi man, I am the Fonz. I'll be kicking a lot of ass too."
S: "Cool Mike. I know you gotta go but any last word for the uber audience you'd like to leave with?"
M: "Yeah dude. That Dee Dee Peel was hot. She was so damn sexy and was screaming to draw attention to her breasts! One day she'll be walking up to my hotel room and the door will be wide open for her, y'know what I'm saying? Dee Dee Peel will live forever, just like now. Every few weeks, someone writes about Dee Dee Peel!"
S: "What do you mean she was trying to draw attention to her breasts?"
M: "You dumb ass, the whole fake name was to say, 'my bra size is DD, come Peel it off and worship my breasts!' The name Dee Dee, or double D Peel was to make everyone fantasize about her tight, Deelicious breasts!"
S: "I hope you are right Mike 'cause she may just come over and kick your ass."
M: "Peace man, I'll check you all out later. Keep Über fresh."
S: "Thanks champ. Stay out of trouble!"
Steve Park is no lightweight.