Naming a new cabinet
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Dear Mr. Rove:
Thank you for choosing Dixon Consultants to do the polling on the popularity of Defense Secretary Rumsfeld. We have examined whether his continuing in his position constitutes a drag on the President’s re-election campaign.
At no extra charge to the Republican National Committee or the Bush/Cheney campaign, I have taken it upon myself to broaden the scope of our inquiry to include all of the members of the President’s Cabinet. Our pollsters have reported to me that, with one exception, American voters have negative views of every single senior member of the Administration. Here is the summary of our results for each Cabinet position and our firm’s recommendations:
Secretary of Health and Human Services: Unlike every one of his colleagues, Tommy Thompson is almost universally popular with all demographic groups. His approval ratings are sky-high. Tommy Thompson should be retained.
Secretary of Defense: Because of the Abu Ghraib situation, Donald Rumsfeld has become a liability. His negatives are astronomical, and not one group has a favorable opinion of him. We recommend that he be forced to resign. Our polling shows that voters would welcome replacing Rumsfeld with Donny Donson.
Secretary of State: Our right-wing base can’t stomach Colin Powell. But we believe we could energize them if Powell were to step down and the top foreign policy spot were to go to Chuck Colson’s nephew Collie.
Secretary of Commerce: I know Don Evans is a Bush intimate, but his polling numbers are pathetic. Can we clone the new Secretary of Defense?
Attorney General: John Ashcroft is also highly unpopular with vast segments of the electorate, and he should be forced out of office immediately. Our numbers indicate the best choice to head the Justice Department would be former New York Jets running back Johnny Johnson.
Secretary of Education: Rod Page is not well liked, especially in swing states. The President should consider appointing Roddy Rodson, a South Carolina principal, to take his place.
Secretary of the Treasury: You should have stuck with Paul O’Neill. Polls show John Snow must go. The new Treasury Secretary should be Johnny Johnson, though voters want this one to be African-American to make up for the loss of Powell at State and to avoid confusion with new AG.
Secretary of Agriculture: Ann Veneman is a loser with every segment of the electorate. Alabama agronomist Annie Annison, however, would be a popular choice to head USDA.
Secretary of the Interior: Gale Norton? Uh-uh! Gaily Gailson? Yes, sir! (This nominee will also help bring back suburban moms queasy about the President’s support of the marriage amendment.)
Secretary of Labor: Elaine Chao should quit. Lainie Lainson would be a hit. (Lainie Kazan might do in a pinch.)
Secretary of Energy: Spencer Abraham is hated. Spency Spenson would be feted.
As for the other members of the Cabinet, we believe that Norman Mineta, Tom Ridge, Anthony Principi and Alfonso Jackson should be replaced by Normy Normson, Tommy Thompson Jr., Tony Toneson, and Fonzie Fonzson.
Detailed data regarding our voter surveys is attached. Thanks again, Mr. Rove, for letting us help the President win a well-deserved second term. And if the rumors about the Vice President’s health are true, I just wanted to let you know that I would definitely be available for the Republican ticket if the President needs me.
Sincerely,
Dickie Dixon
Dixon Consultants
[Note: The author is in the process of legally changing his first name to Gracie.]
Richard Grayson is a highly-paid political consultant.