The Latest Craze
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Eat less. Drink lots of water. More than you could have ever thought possible. Take a spinning class each morning at 6 a.m. Think while you're pedaling about how much he sucks. How much he really, really sucks. Be very miserable. That's key.
Three months=20 pounds
Get cast in a play. Dance shittily. Be told you're going to be put in an outfit that bares your really fat midriff. Eat iceberg lettuce and tuna and saltine crackers for lunch, but allow yourself one or two "little bits of chocolate" per day. Notice with abject grimness that the choreographer's name is "Candy." That choreographer is a real bitch.
One month=25 pounds
Start running with a girl who is a lot thinner than you. Like 35 pounds thinner. Run even though it's 17 degrees outside or more than 100 and you have to grab onto the phone pole at the stoplight and try not to puke. Sweat on her toilet seat when you return. When nothing happens after weeks of this, stop eating dairy.
Five months=20 pounds
Get told you're going to be married to someone, then a week or so later, get broken up with. Stop eating for a week. Start eating again when you're tired of passing out.
One week=five pounds
Date a hippie but don't smoke the ganga. Volunteer at his summer music festival taking tickets from addled strangers and cooking burritos for band members you think are sort of cute while the real cook takes a 4:20 break just outside the back door. Volunteer to clean up the rest of the trash on Monday morning. It will take four hours.
Three days=five pounds
Get broken up with again. Spend an afternoon making yourself puke, because the worse something is supposed to be for you, the more reason you should probably do it. Because you suck and you need to know and feel that you really suck. Because you could not keep him. Be unable to silence the inner voice that says to you, "You don't really suck." Go for a walk instead.
One day=one-half pound
Take a job in the arts that pays you nothing, works you 14 hours a day, and requires walking at a fast clip down six lengthy backstage hallways between the music production offices and the backstage area several times per day. Get screamed at by the artistic director once per season. Date three guys at once. Forget to eat.
One summer=ten pounds
Lose a close friend to suicide. Attend the funeral and drink a lot of beer. Drive all night to Chicago and back because you can't afford a plane ticket this late in the game. Scoff at the ridiculousness of everyone and everything. Eat popcorn for dinner.
One week=eight pounds
Mary T. Helmes Sheely knows the Low Carb Craze is all hype.